A Quick Word on Porn's Effect On Your Penis
A reader commented that I was minimizing porn's negative effect on women, that ubiquitous internet porn has damaged womens' psyches irreparably. That it makes women have to conform to some impossible standard.
Nay.
Porn is not the problem. I'm not saying it's a tremendous boon to society, but you can't blame porn for failing relationships, the pressure on women to attain impossible standards of appearance and performance; and male disinterest in normal sexual relationships.
Certainly porn puts pressure on women, but the effect is not directly from porn, or even from men. Here's an example that the reader offered: porn forces the women to shave. Not exactly-- they want to shave. Why they want to is a cultural discussion, but it isn't because men are explicitly commanding them to do so.
Certainly, porn has affected men. Ok, women want to shave; why do men suddenly want to, also? And, I'd expect that a frequent porn user (whatever that exactly is) might have some difficulty with arousal in normal (or repeat) circumstances.
But there's a greater problem that can't be blamed on porn. Every comic since Marx (Groucho, not the other nut) has joked about how men want sex and women don't. But in the past three or four years, I've heard comics make the opposite jokes: women want it, men could just as easily pass it up. Men are disinterested in sex with their established partners. As comic Mark Maron put it, "[I prefer masturbation because sex] takes up too much energy and it involves other people." Men always are ready for new women, but what happens to sex with your partner over time? Sure, ordinarily it may decline a little, but this is different: this is male disinterest, "lack of energy," lack of motivation to keep a connection with one's partner alive. The penis may still go up-- but everything else is gone.
Let's face it, porn may make women feel inadequate, but how the hell adequate can a woman feel if her boyfriend/husband would rather watch TV than have sex? "But I'm tired." How tired could you possibly be?
So there are two parts to the problem. The easy, and smaller, part is media/porn objectification of women, and its effects on women and men. But the second, more crucial part is male "impotence" (metaphorical) and apathy. Let me be clear about this: porn might magnify this effect; but it doesn't cause it.
I know no girl in the world is going to believe this, but it's true: if you ask the average guy over 30 if they'd rather be with a girl they have been with many times before or masturbate, they'll pick masturbate. You know why? Because their soul bailed out when they were 15-- because they are narcissists. What in life is worth aspiring to? You don't feel a part of anything bigger, everything seems distant, unreal. Everyone is waiting for something to happen, for their life to "start"-- they're 40 and they're still waiting. (As Mike Birbiglia joked, "I'm not going to get married until I'm absolutely certain nothing else good can happen in my life.") Concepts like loyalty don't even get a token nod, because today they seem outright preposterous.
And men have a distorted view of what it means to be loved. They want to be loved not for who they are, but who they think they are. "I'm an actor." "I'm a major force in WoW." "I'm a fiscal conservative but a social liberal." What he wants is his girlfriend to say, "I love him because he is such an intellectual, he knows so much about politics." What he doesn't want is her to say, "I love him because he's good to me."
"Sure it'd be better to be with a girl, but when are you actually ever with a girl? They don't want you, they want what you represent-- a good job, security, to be taken care of, a big penis." It doesn't occur to them that the woman who doesn't want these things in her man might be the one to avoid?
I suspect-- I haven't been able to do the survey-- that even sex is a form of masturbation for these guys. That they see you, but they don't see you. The arm, the breast, the hip, all these become fetishized and transport him to another world.
Our birth rate is 2.1; France 1.7; Spain 1.3; Russia 1.3. In two generations, there will be 1/2 as many Spaniards, excluding immigration. We can't even get it up long enough to procreate. That's not porn's fault. It doesn't help, sure, having the internet's tubes tied isn't going to fix that problem. Men are becoming less interested in establishing meaningful relationships with other people as an ultimate goal than in inventing identities for themselves.
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April 27, 2007 5:17 PM | Posted by : | Reply
i love when people blame "the media" or "the porn industry" as if they have no say in the matter. 1) Those industries are simply run by PEOPLE. 2) Any person has a choice to "unplug" from the mass feeding of bullshit and think for oneself.
i'm glad at least one mental health care professional may still believe in personal responsibility.
i do think you raise an interesting point about how porn affects men so drastically. The subjugation and objectification of women, i have always thought, affects the male psyche even more than the female psyche, leading to a vast amount of psychological pain that will pour out in violence and abuse. It always angered me that my father would terrify me with horror stories of rape and helplessness, forcing me to almost become Amazonian in my outlook while he continued to encourage my little brother's interest in "Girls Gone Wild" and other such shit. The hypocrisy is mind-boggling, giving a new meaning to "burning the candle at both ends of the stick" for me.
April 29, 2007 8:21 PM | Posted by : | Reply
Dude I am totally having procreative sex tonight because of this post.
May 4, 2007 1:16 PM | Posted by : | Reply
That may all be true, but I still want my girlfriend to act like a porn star in the bedroom.
May 4, 2007 3:11 PM | Posted by : | Reply
Honestly, I'm not exactly sure the point you are trying to make (work on those thesis statements), but I will try to respond.
I think your outlook is too simplistic; you may be basing your generalizations on your own experience. That's fine, but limiting.
Here are my two cents:
1. I have realized that sex is usually the best when neither of us have been watching porn or masturbating. It is a much more intense experience.
2. Porn is like anything else: the more you watch it, the more 'action' it takes to excite you. After watching a lot of porn, though, I've found that the only thing that excites me is the thing most rare in porn: honest fun. Both the girl and the guy have to be enjoying themselves, and not pretending. Even when I watch seemingly innocuous porn like 'Girls Gone Wild,' all I can think of is what a complete asshole Joe Francis is. So: I avoid it; and if watching that kind of porn is making you impotent, you should as well.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that with maturity comes empathy. Most fourteen year old boys (or fifty year old boys) who like watching a girl who looks like she's fourteen doing whatever probably lacks both.
And as for shaving: in the end, I hardly think it even matters.
Admin's response: let's leave my experience out of it ;-)
But as clarification, I'm not talking about all men, I'm talking about narcissists.
May 4, 2007 3:15 PM | Posted by : | Reply
.As a man in his thirties, I want to say upfront that I am in no way a defender of women's rights and enjoy
indulging in internet porn as much as anyone. Nevertheless, there's no doubting that porn as a social phenomena
has started a process that is absolutely damaging to women's psyches that will be exponentially exacerbated by technological innovation as dramatically demonstrated by the internet.
Anything that lessens a person's value to others or diminishes their power and control will emphatically have a negative effect on a person's psyche. For better or worse, porn, lessens the reliance men have on women.
The fact of the matter is that technology is the driving force that has made pornography so pervasive.
The porn industry has been the driving force behind the success of the video recorder,VHS format, the internet
itself are all indebted to porn in being the first to embrace the cutting edge technology that is today mainstream.
Just think of a future with technology like the Star Trek Holodeck or androids that are indistinguishable from their human counterparts to realize the extent
in which technology for better or worse will eventually marginalize women
May 4, 2007 3:23 PM | Posted by : | Reply
Actually, declining birth rates are associated with access to education, specifically to females, not an abundance of porn.
(Admin's response: I recognize that I suck at writing. But you have my conclusions exactly backwards! I'm not blaming porn, I'm saying porn has nothing to do with the problem at all, it's the scapegoat.
And BTW, education also has little to do with the declining birth rate. Are Spanish women better educated than American women? The birth rate has much more to do with men's (lack of) motivation for kids than women's.
May 4, 2007 10:04 PM | Posted by : | Reply
""Men are becoming less interested in establishing meaningful relationships with other people as an ultimate goal than in inventing identities for themselves.""
This is totally right! But the way I see it, there is an angle in it all that you fail to address and is extremely important.
Men are pushed by society to be a winner, yet very few of us can be a winner, or the kind of winner society appreciates.
Thus, your self esteem pays the price, and you take refuge in other things that are not so uncertain (computers, shared activities with male buddies, cars, whatever...)unstable and demanding as a girl by your side can be.
I am not so sure that the problem is porn. The problem is that society is succeeding in making men feel innadequate, not good enough, not needed, etc.
Besides, the "models" we are supposed to reach are so high...who can reach them? Who can be a Beckham or a di Caprio and move around that kind of money?
It seems that anything below that is just not good enough. And we've all heard the jokes about our girlfriends leaving us for ...
Sometimes it feels as if girls will run away with one like that as soon as they have the chance if they meet him.
(And many of them won't even deny it when really pushed to talk. However, nobody can blame them, they're psychologically wired to look for security in a man)
Moreover, when you are older (I am 32 success rate ok++ with girls but single and not looking)
and you learn about the law, you also realize that you could lose all what you have work so hard for, if you even co-habit with a woman for a period of time and break up. The law favours them in most cases in the developed countries.
In case that you have children, it is even worse, they may not only take most of your net worth with them, but can also legally force you to stay away from your children, or see them very little. So you are broke, lack the affection of the woman that most probably you loved, and can't see your children often.
Would you look forward to be with a girl if you were in a man's place today?
Porn is quick, easy and clean. The other option is complicated, uncertain, requires time, energy and has absolutely no guarantee of long term success whatsoever. What would you choose? What level of commitment would you offer to a woman? Wouldn't you use porn if your hormones are still pushing hard? And what is most worrying for society...would you look for a woman in the first place?!
And, most importantly, even if you want to, how could you get the courage to get into all this when society makes you feel like the biggest loser in the world even when you are trying your best? There is pressure to succeed on women, yes, but there is more in men. It is as if society says "if you can't bear children, and you can't succeed, what the hell are you here for?" And you have no answer.
Maybe in that moment you turn your computer on and get it all off your mind in a few minutes...
Nobody is to be blamed, but society in general.
It is easy to accuse men of "not being adequate anymore" with a giggle of sarcasm (turning the knife in the wound of young men's insecurities and making the problem worse) without going in depth into the reasons for it.
I see men not being understood, supported, cared for, everwhere, all the time.
I see more men spending time with computers, videogames, work...you name it. Is it because we love it so much? No. In many cases, it is because this is the least hostile escape valve we have. It is because there we find a sense of achievement that is denied to us in other fields of our lives.
In order for an articulated, sensitive man to give good sex to a woman, he has to feel valued. Take that out of the equation and the end result of the operation will logically change.
It is ok to think and talk about women's need for support, there are even organizations that cater for and defend women's rights in all kinds of areas. But none defend men's. I am not saying that this is good or bad or that men have not had a position of power before. Probably.
I am just saying that what happens is logical, and has little to do with porn or no porn. The problem is men's feeling of inadequacy. If there wasn't porn, men would be hunting, playing football, or doing anything else.
Porn is just a side symptom of the problem. It has little to do with its root.
Regards
Javier Marti
(more than a comment this looks like a book!)
May 6, 2007 9:23 PM | Posted by : | Reply
I feel sorry for you.
(Admin's response: it's alright. The Depakote helps.)
May 8, 2007 3:59 PM | Posted by : | Reply
I'm not sure what/where the idea that men are generally narcissistic comes from? That men have a distorted view of what it means to be loved? Are those ideas commonly agreed upon? I've not heard much discussion on that.
I am, also, not sure what he means in suggesting that a woman who does not want "a good job, security, to be taken care of, a big penis" -- is a woman to avoid.
Lastly, I am also not sure that I think men are less interested in establishing meaningful relationships. I actually think that the drive to have sex with people little known to oneself is, in part, due to a desire to forge human contact...and a lack of interest in existing relationships more than likely indicates that such relationships have becoming overwhelming, emotionally and mentally taxing.
I submit the following idea: Probably women are not more prone than ever to trying to get their men to meet their emotional needs--on an individual basis. I don't find any "struggle" in that regard to necessarily be a problem--part of the potential for a perpetually interesting relationship relies on that dynamic--that people can continue to try to get certain things from each other and it can still be completely healthy, even violently fun.
Even on a collective basis is it a rather age-old argument that woman-kind is generally disrespected by man-kind. The competing genders have been having that argument (and it's counter-argument) on that for generations. I think these statements can be said to be true--both genders have been disrespecting each other in various arenas for ages. Also fun.
The problem--as I see it--is that men have started to submit to whatever collective guilt remains from the Feminist Movement. Certainly women have been nagging their men throughout history -- but the men of my generation have grown in the shadow of men who have been fairly dutiful to treat their wives as equals. Guilt as a motivator for collective behavior, I'm sure, leads to collective isolation, disillusion and detachment. There are various outlets for providing stress-free attachment and I'm sure that porn is one of them.
Admin's response: Interesting comment. I think guilt doesn't explain it, however. If narcissism is the problem, then guilt isn't the explanation because narcissists can't feel guilt, only shame. Also, the problem isn't that women ask for too much, the problem here is that (these kind of) men aren't much motivated to do much more than coast. Hence my comment about "avoiding that kind" of woman. Why shouldn't a woman want a guy with those attributes, and why should a guy feel threatened by this?
May 11, 2007 8:09 AM | Posted by : | Reply
hmmm... gosh.... so much to say on this one
apathy... the fear of not being good enough... so why bother...
That seems to sum up the comment by Javier Marti. Interesting self-revelation. Or, not just being "not-good-enough" but also 'not know how to': give women what they want, get what you (a man) wants and not wanting to put so much effort into what it may take to "have a relationship" with a woman.
I mean, "momma just took care of me and required nothing of me. i just asked for what i wanted and she gave it to me". We also know that "momma" didn't give unconditionally. that's another topic and i think a REAL SOURCE of the issue of male apathy to long term sexual relations.....
BTW, this is the coolest blog i've seen in a while. Powerful topics soooo relevant. Glad to see it so well traversed. I'm sure how i came upon it tonight but i'm glad i found it.
.:.
October 4, 2007 10:08 PM | Posted by : | Reply
It worked, I'm pregnant! Oh no the child is going to google this someday. Sorry honey, you were inspired by a blogpost.
March 26, 2008 9:19 PM | Posted, in reply to , by : | Reply
Javier has hit the nail on the head with this article. Porn isn't the problem, it's a symptom. A very big symptom. In the effort to give equal rights to women and improve their lot in life, we've started denigrating and devaluing men, and removed any meaningful role for them in society beyond being walking wallets or slaves.
We can lay a large part of the blame for the problem at the feet of radical feminists and the politicians and governments who have so assiduously supported them over the last four decades or so.
Is it any wonder, then, why the male suicide rate is so high? And does anyone really care? I submit to you that the answer is a loud 'NO'. If the answer were otherwise, the suicide rate for men would be a lot lower, mens' self-esteem would be higher, and men like Javier and myself would not have cause to make posts like these. Men are seen as expendable, period.
June 7, 2008 7:13 AM | Posted, in reply to , by : | Reply
"Just think of a future with technology [...] that [...] will eventually marginalize women"
- thats only true if you think of women only as sex objects.
Ok, if someday androids (or whatever) will be the better, more interesting humans, capable of real feelings etc, then maybe women will be marginalized. But so will be men!
June 19, 2008 5:53 PM | Posted by : | Reply
I consider myself a feminist. However, my personal vision of what feminism is has changed. I used to believe that it meant that as a woman one needed to secure one's education and find satisfying, quality and adequately remunerated employment.
I now realize that it is about choice. A woman who decides to forgo college and to stay home with her babies and husband is just fine. It is not my place to denigrate her choices as much as it wouldn't be her place to denigrate mine. For the record, those choices include; not having children, pursuing a degree and yes, I PUT MY HUSBAND THROUGH LAW SCHOOL! When I divorced him, I left and left him the house and furniture. My dream to pursue a PhD has died since he was supposed to help me after I helped him, but I left him.
I have reflected that perhaps I was not "feminine" enough for him. I don't mean physically, I mean in the nebulous, individually formed way that is created during chidhood and adolescence. I recall that in the early years of our marriage, he told me I was "emasculating", but couldn't tell me how. I guess I had too high of a sex drive for him. He called me a "nymphomaniac." He's the only man I've ever had sex with so I don't know what's what when it comes to me and sex...but anyway...I am digressing.
Here is my question. Do men find porn as satisfying as the "real" thing? Are all male orgasms created equal? I mean, I masturbate (going on 12 years of celibacy, divorced 2 years), but it is just a stopgap. I yearn for the body of a man, the smell of his skin, his clothes,, hair, face, lips....men don't feel like that?
I'm going to catch hell for saying this, but, finally, at the age of 38, I realize that men and women are different. The sexes can be equal AND different! I think there is an emphasis on saying we're all the same, and that is a mistake. Unfortunately, saying we are different seems to lead to sexism.
After what I've been through I find myself wishing that I had done things differently. I spent almost 20 years married to a man who wouldn't fuck me. I tried EVERYTHING. I married for love, not money. My ex was from a poor family, I from an upper middle class family.
I can't believe I'm going to say this but I wish I'd chosen better. I see women who are living cushy lives and I wish that I had given my pussy to the highest bidder.
Hey guys, you want those hot high-maintenance blondes? Don't complain when they screw you over. It is my contention you'll never see a non-hot woman in a Beemer.
Lily; A Bitter Ex-Wife
July 3, 2008 3:37 AM | Posted by : | Reply
You think falling birthrates in the west are all the fault of narcissistic men who can't form meaningful relationships and who would rather masturbate than have sex? You're a nut. Really, that's all I can come up with to say to you.
Falling birthrates have a lot more to do with people having access to the necessary tools - such as abortions and contraceptives - to carry out family planning than they do with masturbation and narcissism. Birthrates in the poor areas of the world where those tools aren't available are quite high. Maybe you should move there and see if your bizarre idea that men's 'narcissism' has anything to do with birthrates has any connection to reality. Here's a tip - it doesn't.
The birthrates in most of the developed world are low because men and - gasp - women are CHOOSING to have fewer children. Your nonsense rant blaming narcissistic men for this is completely divorced from reality and reason. Do a little research on the subject and you'll discover that people are CHOOSING to delay marriage, CHOOSING to delay parenthood, CHOOSING to limit family size, etc. These are choices that people are making that have nothing to do - at least in a sane mind - with men's supposed narcissism or masturbatory habits.
I've noticed that in several of your blog entries you've made allusions to men being narcissistic and obsessed with masturbation. It seems almost too convenient to me that so many of the worlds problems can - according to you - be explained by the alleged narcissism of men. You almost seem obsessed with this concept - to the point of using it to try and explain things that no rational mind could find it to have any relationship with. I'm also beginning to think that you're more obsessed with men's masturbation than they are. What the hell is wrong with you?
Alone's response: why are they choosing to delay parenthood and limit family size?
August 11, 2008 9:26 AM | Posted by : | Reply
If y'all haven't read it, check out a book called "Fire in the Belly" (Amazon link) by Sam Keen. An exhaustive treatment of what it is to be a man in a modern, "liberated" society that no longer respects or needs him-- really, really important writing. I'm sure at least the author would really enjoy it.
September 18, 2008 10:57 AM | Posted, in reply to , by : | Reply
Women don´t get it ! men like shaved pussies because you can see the labia, and this is more exciting than seeing bush. Groomed bush also looks more clean and well kept. That´s all. It is not Playboy´s fault. I´m from Brazil, and the reason women shave here is that they go a lot to the beaches and tons of hair sticking out of the bikini is really disgusting.
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