February 19, 2009

The Biggest Dick Ever

A true story about what happens when words lose their meaning.

I'm in the gym, there are only two other people: Devastator, and The Kid.   Devastator is black.  You might guess why that will soon be relevant.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see The Kid is stalking me, looking to talk to me, to anyone.  I see this everywhere, people like a bomb on a hair trigger, the slightest contact explodes a full attempt at connection.  I sympathize with women on this, they have it particularly bad.  If they even let on that they are aware the guy is in the room, he takes it as a strong invitation to come over and talk about himself.   They're everywhere, bookstore stalkers and coffeehouse predators, empty, hollow, looking for something to fill them up, that something is almost always a woman.  At 24 it's sad but normal, at 34 it's sad but dangerous.

So there he is, weaving and hovering, looking for an in with me.  I don't like people, I don't like being approached by people and truthfully I look like someone you'd never approach without air cover.   I look like a mugshot, I look like I relapsed a week ago, when I walk past a church unseen dogs bark at me and when I walk into a store they call Homeland Security.  Yet still, everywhere I go, strangers cross freeways or walk through glass to get to me, for what?  To inform me that Karl Rove wants to destroy welfare or all these bitches care about is money or "oh my God, you look just like my ex-boyfriend's Dad!"   Broken people have a 6th sense for other broken people, I guess.

I finish what I'm doing, which is nothing, and he pounces.  "That guy..."

"What guy?"  I say it to make sure that the only guy he could be asking about is not standing behind me.

"The big guy.  The big...big guy."  So much for new post-election open dialogue about race.  "He was huge--"

"Oh, yeah?"

He puts his hands out, palms facing each other, and uses it to italicize each word.  "Biggest  dick ever."

"Oh," I say.

"Huge. The biggest dick ever."

So now I have half an instant to decide whether this guy made an assessment of Devastator's character based on some personal experience; or whether he is falling back on stereotypes about narcissistic weightlifters and is asking me to bond with him over a shared worldview? Or is he going with a racist perspective?--

Or, did the The Kid see Devastator in the locker room and is now compelled as an instrument of natural selection to tell me that he has the biggest dick ever?  And if so, then I'd have to figure whether The Kid has not seen many dicks and is just mystified that dicks can get so big, or if he isn't in fact gay-- or thinks I'm gay-- and this is the best he could come up with as an  opening line?  Or is he so charged by the guy's overall size that he is imagining that because he's huge and black that he must have a gigantic penis?

So I don't know which one he means.  Whichever I guess only indicates my own prejudices about guys, black guys, and dicks.  No matter what I guess, if it's wrong he's going to think I'm a dick.

Big dick.  Why is dick a preferred insult?  I get what pussy means, and at least asshole is anatomically logical, but calling a guy his most precious organ-- what?   A girl calls you a dick when you're overly sexually aggressive, ok, I'm copilot, but what do you say when a guy calls you a dick?  "You don't know the half of it!"

He spares me.  "All I did was ask him how long he'd been training, you know, to get that big, and he blows me off!  'Don't talk to me, not when I'm lifting.' "

"Don't take it personally," I say, "some of these powerlifter guys are overly focused.  I don't know that guy, but I know what you're talking about, I know the mentality."  Then, to discharge the anxiety he's feeling about it all, I smile at him and joke, "now get away from me, I'm lifting." 

He laughs, but I instantly regret saying it.  Now he probably thinks I'm a big dick.  Which is good or bad for me depending on who he tells next.

II.

Twenty minutes later I am in the locker room, and it happens: Devastator comes towards me.  Completely naked.

"Big dick, huh?"

He stops inches from me.  "Big dick?"  He's pissed off, and I realize immediately the Kid was right all around.   I've only ever been assaulted with one other gigantic penis in my life, when I worked at the VA and a schizophrenic on the cardiology unit came at us firing in semi-automatic mode. How that nut got hold of a Do Not Resuscitate form I'll never know, how he got hold of a stapler is less of a mystery, but he was walking and ejaculating and stapling the form to his bare chest, "I'm DNR-C, I'm DNR-C!"

So now I'm back at the same question with different assumptions, is he angry because we talked about him being a dick or talked about his dick?  Surely both have happened to him before.    Is he a narcissist or a homophobe?

I guess the former.  I take my right hand and rub my left ear, I do this to get it up in case something happens.

Something happens.  He suddenly slams into my chest, pushing me back, I'm already against the lockers so there isn't much room for me to go but I hit it hard.  The wind gets knocked out of me.  Oh, great, I think,  I'm back in 9th grade.  I hammer my fist into the side of his head above his ear. 

To my amazement, he drops to the floor, out cold. 

Now what, I think.

III.

There are soon/instantly six other people in the locker room, tending to and restraining Devastator, and through a process of semi-apologies, semi-praise for my strength, semi-acknowledgment of his prior neck injury and current self-respect, everyone agrees that everything is cool.  We shake hands, he pulls me in for a hug.  He is still naked.  Everyone grabs their clothes.  Two trainers and I head out.

When we are well out of the locker room, one of the trainers glances behind and snickers.  "What a dick," he says.

 





Comments

I think the origin of "dick... (Below threshold)

February 20, 2009 3:38 AM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

I think the origin of "dick" as an insult comes from the oft observed phenomenon that men think with their brains OR their dick. So, if a man is a dick, it means he is a brainless moron who behaves in illogical and pointless ways because he is not possessing of a brain. It is like being an asshole, without as much grandiosity (the insult asshole is usually reserved for more brazen, arrogant and shameless displays of mindlessness... an asshole insists he have special privileges that he does not deserve, e.g. driving inconsiderately is something assholes do; narcissists are always assholes, etc).

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 4 (6 votes cast)
This story makes little sen... (Below threshold)

February 20, 2009 4:26 AM | Posted by max: | Reply

This story makes little sense. Fiction? Probably

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -2 (4 votes cast)
If this story is even remot... (Below threshold)

February 20, 2009 7:23 AM | Posted by Pete: | Reply

If this story is even remotely true, you need to find a better gym.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 6 (8 votes cast)
Thanks for the morning laug... (Below threshold)

February 20, 2009 10:16 AM | Posted by Lexi: | Reply

Thanks for the morning laugh.

I hope you keep writing for the lolz.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 3 (5 votes cast)
That's a most excellent sho... (Below threshold)

February 20, 2009 12:13 PM | Posted by Dave Johnson: | Reply

That's a most excellent short story. You do O Henry proud.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 4 (4 votes cast)
Hmm...a loser's loser who s... (Below threshold)

February 20, 2009 1:05 PM | Posted by dex: | Reply

Hmm...a loser's loser who spent an entire paragraph on self-deprecation, but still able to knock down the biggest guy in the gym with one punch? The protagonist has an interesting self-image.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 8 (8 votes cast)
I think it goes with TLP's ... (Below threshold)

February 20, 2009 3:30 PM | Posted, in reply to dex's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

I think it goes with TLP's view that identity is based on what you do not who you think you are. It doesn't matter what he thinks, just what he does.

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I think TLP is saying that ... (Below threshold)

February 20, 2009 9:02 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

I think TLP is saying that however big a big dick is, it is still a dick.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 5 (5 votes cast)
Agreed. I think the story ... (Below threshold)

February 21, 2009 5:48 PM | Posted, in reply to Anonymous's comment, by Stephen King: | Reply

Agreed. I think the story is not only fiction, but it isn't even about the double entendre.

First, look how many times he uses puns about penis in the story: "pissed", "blow off," "hammer fist the head" "discharge the anxiety" and others.

Second, the first three paragraphs have nothing to do with penises, but are about being a misanthrope who only connects with the other "broken people" who seek him out. I think, in the context of this blog, it's safe to assume broken means narcissist.

The powerlifter is both a dick and has a big dick, but people see him as one or the other based on their inner prejudices (and he remarks on his own as well). Everyone in the story is a narcissist. They see each other not as real people but as caricatures. That's why, when Devastator is punched, he goes down so easily. He's not real. He's an image from 9th grade that he knocks aside.

Or, I'm reading way too much into this, and the story is true and he needs to find a new gym.

Just my two cents.

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A+ for funny, all other con... (Below threshold)

February 22, 2009 11:52 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

A+ for funny, all other considerations aside.

Evolution of the language is change, not just disintegration, or loss. Despite the yowling of writers throughout known history, widespread lack of linguistic precision does not necessarily mean widespread inability to think.

Which is a general observation. Men referring to other men as dicks is not a mystery I care to fathom.

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i read a mystery novel once... (Below threshold)

February 23, 2009 6:16 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

i read a mystery novel once which included one policeman saying to another "stop acting like a dick and start acting like a dick!"

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I rather like "If you don't... (Below threshold)

February 25, 2009 5:11 AM | Posted by Neuroskeptic: | Reply

I rather like "If you don't want to get fucked, stop acting like a cunt".

from here.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (4 votes cast)
Here : <a href="http://thro... (Below threshold)

February 25, 2009 5:11 AM | Posted by Neuroskeptic: | Reply

Here : http://throbgoblins.blogspot.com/

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -1 (1 votes cast)
A dick by any other name...... (Below threshold)

March 6, 2009 12:02 AM | Posted by information addict: | Reply

A dick by any other name....

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
"A caricature? A caricatur... (Below threshold)

March 11, 2009 5:06 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

"A caricature? A caricature. A caricature? A caricature. That is what i am." That was the slogan of several highschool friends years ago.

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i love zac effron... (Below threshold)

April 4, 2009 2:34 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

i love zac effron

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -1 (1 votes cast)
i have the biggest pusy... (Below threshold)

April 15, 2009 9:02 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

i have the biggest pusy

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (3 votes cast)
Dick is a rather "obtuse" a... (Below threshold)

January 10, 2010 1:35 AM | Posted by Harman: | Reply

Dick is a rather "obtuse" and piggish, uncultured looking organ, don't you think? Maybe that explains the epithet.


Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -1 (1 votes cast)
>>I know th... (Below threshold)

January 10, 2010 3:48 AM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

>>


I know this post is older than jesus, but this is truly one of the most HORRIFYING THINGS I HAVE EVER READ. I am a nurse, so, like, I very vividly know what you are talking about. This makes it so much fucking worse.
Why was he ejaculating? Did he masturbate while holding the paper? Did he masturbate and then pick up the paper?
Why did he have a DNR form and a stapler?
Why, and how, was he able to ejaculate while simultaneously stapling a DNR to his chest? I would think one would impede the other.
What does the “-C” stand for? Cardiology? Code? Cum?
How did the staff get control of him, assuming he was violent enough to staple things to himself w/o indifference? Did your psych techs bum rush him while the nurse injected him? Did you jump on the desk or hide under the nurses station? Lulz!

My brain refuses to process all of this. It’s just way too fucking much for me.

Today at work I had a patient crap on the floor, then pee on the floor, then fall asleep in it, one hour post meds (he is a psych/dementia patient). This is actually far less horrible than what you describe above.

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Nope, not buying it either.... (Below threshold)

February 19, 2010 10:07 PM | Posted by inthefifth: | Reply

Nope, not buying it either. But starting to figure out your blog.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
This is what happens when w... (Below threshold)

June 9, 2010 1:04 PM | Posted by ThomasD: | Reply

This is what happens when words loose their meaning.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
my dick is 28in and im only... (Below threshold)

January 21, 2012 4:10 PM | Posted, in reply to dex's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

my dick is 28in and im only 14

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I think I just figured this... (Below threshold)

June 12, 2012 6:59 PM | Posted by Shirley: | Reply

I think I just figured this out. I really hate being made fun of even if I am an easy target but I started to think of another way to look at it. Sort of more egalitarian, empathic, holistic, crazy, *elaborate as hell*, crazy, (yes, twice on purpose), nice sort of shared consciousness thing. The above sentence is really a question.

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Pussies don't like dicks, b... (Below threshold)

January 16, 2013 1:52 AM | Posted by Jedi: | Reply

Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!

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hahahaahahahahhahahahahahah... (Below threshold)

May 28, 2013 3:37 AM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

hahahaahahahahhahahahahahahaha. wether or not this story is true or who on here feels the need to give workout or gym advice is hillariously irrelephant a big pink one.havent actually laughed at something in a long time. about as long as that dick apparently haha.
oh and jims are for pussies crossfit for lyfe! jk what did people do before gyms and "fitness"? (which the definition of that word has nothing to do with exercise) (just like how the word organic has been sold to million of prius owners who "care" about the environment and want to be healthy) they probably were alot happier cuz they didnt give a fuck about how other people looked.

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What's a pusy? Is it a gian... (Below threshold)

April 6, 2014 3:52 PM | Posted, in reply to Anonymous's comment, by johnnycoconut: | Reply

What's a pusy? Is it a giant abscess that spews pus?

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