"I hate your cryptic, self-indulgent wanderings."
No one can be told what the Matrix is.
A woman asks why a man risks his marriage because she's seeing it from the other side: what else could this nut want?
They think what he wants is something. What he wants is to be seen as something.
This is what every man and a certain kind of woman asked in 1998: "Bill Clinton was President, he could have had any woman he wanted, he chose Monica Lewinsky?" No, he had to become President to be able to get Monica. That's the size of the power differential that was necessary for him to feel relaxed and confident that a woman liked him. If he had tried to get someone like, say, Cameron Diaz (who was also famous at that time for doing nearly nothing) he would be thinking, "oh my God, this woman can totally see I'm a dweeb."
At some point in the relationship of TigerWoods and ElinNordegren he felt himself become Tiger Woods to her. It is irrelevant whether or not this was true for her; in his eyes, she was seeing Tiger Woods. Why would a swimsuit model with a likely prior history of adequate penises get horny over a guy with a flabby belly?
"Doesn't he love her anymore?" Of course he does. She doesn't love him, not like she used to. She doesn't lust for him.
"How do you know that?" I don't need to know it, Tiger thinks it. If it took one billion dollars to get her interested in him, how much is it going to take to keep her interested in him, at the same intensity? It's impossible.
"That's crazy. Who thinks like that?"
Tiger Woods. Et al.
That's the problem with living in an era of narcissism. Even if you aren't one, you're not sure about anyone else.
"The best thing he can do is go on Oprah, admit his mistakes, maybe go into therapy to try to figure out what makes him cheat..."
He was with several women multiple times over many years. He didn't make a mistake, he didn't stray, that's who he is. You don't get to say who you are, your behavior speaks for you.
Trying to understand why he "cheated" or "strayed" or "made mistakes" is bad faith. Those behaviors aren't deviations from his normal, those are his normal. You can't isolate a behavior and unhook it from the overall self. "I'm not a bad person, but I do cheat sometimes." No, you are a bad person. The behavior is your business, but you don't get to commandeer the language.
"So how can he stop doing it?" Are you talking about him, or you?
You can't try to understand why you cheat in order to stop, you have to stop first. And you can't permanently alter a behavior without changing who you are.
After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father and person.
I know it's a press release, but the words are technically accurate. Nowhere does it say "I have to stop cheating," because if he simply stops cheating then he will forever be fighting against himself. He has to also change into the kind of person who does not cheat.
There's no turning back, there's no half way. Once you stop you will be a different person. Many of your other interests will change, some of your friends will change, you will think differently.
If this proves too difficult, try a different approach. Instead of being the kind of person who doesn't do something, become the kind of person who does do something else that interferes with it. Become the kind of man who is proud of his fidelity. Or, at the very least, the kind of man who understands that he doesn't have to be TigerWoods to get a girl, and if he does, he doesn't want her. And she doesn't want him, either.
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