July 15, 2011

My name is NotMichaelBay, and I just fucked your girlfriend

Michael_Bay.jpg

objet petit a my ass

The article below is a fake interview intended as parody. I did not actually interview Michael Bay. The article is written entirely by me in the spirit of humor without any malice or ill-will towards any of the people or institutions named within.  In particular, in no way do the statements in the article below reflect the thoughts, opinions, beliefs or statements of the real Michael Bay. This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to actual persons living, dead, robotic, or vermiform is purely coincidental.  It's a joke, people.


I'm here with NotMichaelBay, (not the) director of Transformers: Dark Of The Moon. Thank you for sitting down with me.

Yeah.

I'd like to begin by reading the opening sentence of one critic's review: "Michael Bay's "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is a visually ugly film with an incoherent plot, wooden characters and inane dialog. It provided me with one of the more unpleasant experiences I've had at the movies." How do you respond?

By making a fourth movie. This guy sounds like a dick.

But it certainly can't be the first time you've heard similar criticisms.

Come on, you think anyone who said "the movie isn't shabby or painful, but romantic and wonderfully entertaining" about An Education can be trusted to review my movies?(1)

So you knew this was Roger Ebert?  You memorize movie reviews?

I know everything. My game is tight.  I'm the guy who sees you and your girlfriend at a bar, and I roll up and say, "Hi, I'm going to fuck your girlfriend" and you guys just giggle because you're too much of a pussy to tell me to fuck off.  I buy you guys some drinks, tell a few jokes, next thing you know you're waiting up and I'm inside your girlfriend.  Everybody wins.  I give you what you want, I take what I want, and everyone hates me because it all seems so easy, which is what they want.

So they hate on me, as if they could be me but choose not to. Come on. Haters gonna hate, and haters' girlfriends gonna cheat.

But audiences have come to expect, well, perhaps not a Les Mistons or even a Rashomon, but at least a film which doesn't simply reuse existing footage from older movies and add in a new robot.




Isn't that just a sign of artistic indolence?

I'm not reuising shit. It's called 'sampling.' Like a rapper. Fuck you.

Sampling? But sampling requires you to take an existing work of art and reinterpret it for a new audience, infuse it with a new meaning.  Is that your claim?

I claim I sampled the Inception soundtrack for T3.

What did you mean in doing that?

That Chris Nolan's my bitch. Fuck him and his arbitrary MacGuffins.

And there is the ubiquitous complaint that your movies are made for "15 year old boys." For example, your first shot of Carly [played by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley] has her clad in only a white men's shirt, and you offer a long, 3D tracking shot of her climbing the stairs-- on her toes, no less, and it appears you've placed the camera on the floor and are shooting upwards. Some have claimed this is merely pornographic pandering to a post-pubescent demographic.(2) How do you respond?

I need to respond to that? Seriously? I put her half naked in a movie, and you want justification?

Look, Rosie was a Victoria Secret model, right? So I set up the shot the same way she's shown in a Victoria Secret commercial, because she is a Victoria Secret model.(3)

Ah, you've deliberately made explicit Carly-the-character's semiotic connection to Rosie-the-actress, making the film's world draw on the real world.  Carly the beautiful girlfriend is "in reality" Rosie, who is known to be a Victoria Secret model, which is itself another signifier, another character, and so on ad infinitum;  there is no terminal woman-in-herself. Thus 'woman' is merely an image, to attract the Lacanian gaze; yet because she cannot be represented in any other way except as such an image she a priori eludes the gaze.

Exactly.  And she's got a great rack.

So in doing this, you've uncovered Carly , i.e. "woman",  as a partial object, the objet petit a. Women can only exist as fantasy, the cause of desire.

Her only fucking job before she met me was to get people to look at her; so I gave her that exact same job but wearing more clothes, and people are acting like I'm some sort of pervert.

But the difference is that her partial nudity is appropriate in the context of a commercial to sell lingerie. In a film, it's merely gratuitous.

She's not selling any fucking lingerie, she's selling herself and the brand and the lingerie is tagging along for the ride. What, I got to draw you a fucking picture?


secret of your happiness.jpg



Let's turn to the story. Numerous critics have decried the meaninglessness of much of the film's action. Why does the copier attack the office staff? What is the purpose of the giant Decepticon worm? There are plot holes and inconsistencies--

Woah! Slow down, wildman, those were on purpose.  Look, we're all being raised by TV. Do you think as 4 year olds we really understood what the hell was going on on Batman or Scooby-Doo? You think your kids can really follow the plot of anything by Pixar? Since we've been able to enjoy movies anyway, without following the story, there's no incentive to follow it anymore. And since we have no incentive, we don't get no practice-- and now we can't follow a story, story gets distracting. Just like a porno. Fucking the most confusing movie ever made was voted to be... Vanilla Sky. WTF, you're confused by Vanilla fucking Sky? These lunatics aren't confused just by B plot, they're confused by B roll. So we cut that shit right out and replace it with something on fire.

You deliberately reduce story integrity while simultaneously enhancing the viso-auditory immediacy of the experience? Isn't that ultimately self-negating, even Dadaist?

Explosition, not exposition. That's how we do.

That seems--

In real life, too. President Bush knew we were fucked by history, right? He got there day 1, opened the Book, and was like, fuck me, this is what's really going on...? And then he looked at America and said, these fucktards couldn't find Iraq on a map of Iraq labeled 'Iraq', no way are these Raymond loving motherfuckers going to understand anything about labor costs and the inevitability of falling foreign reserve accumulation. Let's go with 'WMDs.'" A decade of historical analysis later and the deepest anyone's been able to go is, "they lied, it's really about oil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jesus, what asshats. Now every time poor Obama looks over his speeches he has to say, "no good, too many syllables."

So yeah, anything that has to do with thinking or blinking is edited out in post. That's why it cost so much to make. But the original script for T3:DOTM is fucking Finnegans Wake, you can believe that shit.

No doubt it more rigorously explained the giant Decepticon worm?

Fuck you. It's looking for spice.

I'd also like to ask you about the rumor that actress Megan Fox was fired on the order of Steven Spielberg, who demanded you--

Steven didn't tell me shit, no one tells me shit, I'll kill you and witnesses, fuck that stupid morally ambivalent alien making motherfucker. I fired Megan to make a point. I replaced her in the third installment of a huge series with a complete unknown, and it didn't affect the movie at all.


Well, she wasn't a complete unknown, she was a Victoria Secret model--

You don't know anything about movies, do you? You probably believe it when actors say they do their own stunts or hate it when the paparazzi surprises them at the agreed upon time and place. Replaced Megan? I could have replaced every single one of those actors and actresses with some other supermodels, and the movie would have been better. Fuck that, I don't even need people, I could have Simoned the whole thing. I did them a favor, they need me, and when you start forgetting that you're just a motion capture device for better breast renderings, I kink your feeding tube. Good luck on your audition at Lifetime.

Perhaps a supporting character can be changed, but surely you couldn't replace Shia--

I could replace him with a fucking glass cylinder of my farts and you'd watch it. Twice, IMAX 3D and cable. You think Dr. Who and soaps are the only ones who can replace these idiots with other idiots?

But some movies open exclusively on the force of the lead actor. Julia Roberts, Will Smith--

Ha! And you're criticizing me for making shit movies? Look, there will always be a place for them, right? Voice work, what have you. "Hey, we got a bad ass talking puma that says "motherfucker" a lot. Call Sammy J." "We need a sassy, independent, girl who will immediately and happily conform to the requirements of a patriarchal society in exchange for material security. Meg Ryan that shit up."

Sure, Julia in the trailer brings the boxes to the box office, but at this point there's so much CGI used on her she may as well be a fucking Decepticon. Or did you think that's her natural skin?  You don't need big name actresses anymore, you just need some mo to say "three generations of women" or a montage scene of four divorcees with wine glasses and dancing in a kitchen of Final Cut Pro vegetables. You're blaming me for the stupidity of movies? Blame women.

Your argument that women are responsible for bad movies seems untenable. With respect, your movies aren't even aimed at women.

Hey, fuckly, listen to me, my movies exist because of women, because they've driven men batshit crazy into 'man caves' and Call Of Duty XI. Did they have giant robot movies in the 1930s and 40s? No, all of those movies had dance numbers. Back when a guy could punch a dame for overcooking a chicken there was no shame in watching some fool tap dance his way through WWII. Now these bitches expect you to change a diaper and shave your balls? Fuck that. Giant robots.

Is all modern cinema then reflexively phallocentric? Does disposable art created on a background of consumerist capitalism necessitate a misogynist subtext?

I said fuck that. Giant robots.

Do you truly believe that modern males feel emasculated by the rise of the female underclass?

No guy feels emasculated by women, at all. He thinks men in general are emasculated by women, but not himself. His rage is that since women have emasculated everyone else, he's forced to sublimate his own urges to fit into this emasculated society. So he's holding two contradictory ideas: that he himself is man enough to resist the emasculization that women impose on men; and simultaneously justify why he isn't the man he thinks he should be. In essence, he's created the perfect explanation for why he is, and rationalization for becoming, Nietzsche's Last Man.

So it's a failure not of assimilating a feminine power, but a strictly narcissistic defense of the ego.

It's also why you're going to see more movies where the action hero is a little girl.  They represent the last attempt at staving off death.  First you're going to be a superhero; then you'll meet a superhero; and finally your kid will be the superhero.  And mom has to die in order for the Electra Complex to be fully realized.(4)

That was-- remarkably insightful...

Bottom line this shit up: everyone loves jive talking robots.

I sense that perhaps it's more than misogynist, perhaps it goes to the level of minsanthropy, even nihilism? You've offered a critique of the inevitability of art but the irrelevance of the artist.

Hey, what the fuck do you think I am? I am a great artiste, with a capital T,I,T,S,A,R,E,G,R,E,A,T. You don't think I could make "good" movies? I went to school at Wesleyan, I studied under Basinger. I can make anything go triple platinum, anything. I could make just the poster of a movie and it would win every Oscar in every category every year, fuck James Cameron and his stupid boat.  Do you know what would happen to this planet if I made a porno?  That would be it, done, everyone in the world would drown in their own ejaculate. We'd have to Noah's Ark two of everything and start civilization over.

Then why don't you make more serious movies, more enduring films? Why do you choose to make--

Because Obama pays me not to, like a subsidies program, because otherwise everyone else would go out of business and California would have to be returned to the Pacific or sold to the Chinese.

The movie is called The Transformers, ok?-- as in I transform you from unemployed to employed. I'm a motherfucking jobs program, I'm like the New Big Deal. It's a movie about  giant robots, what the fuck do I needs peoples fo? Because: Obama needs to cut the space program, so I put Buzz Aldrin in a movie. I gets him paids. John Malkovich is a versatile actor, an artist, but he's not getting paid shit for any of his crap.  He calls me up-- boom. Payday. John Turturro's been in 20 movies since The Big Lebowski. Name one. Can't. SAG calls me up, boom, his kids go to college. Now he can make shit like Somewhere Tonight and tell everyone he's not an actor for the money.

No more Matrix? Boom, Hugo Weaving is Megatron. Leonard Nimoy needs new dentures? Boom, chewing apples like a motherfucking horse, vitamins and fiber.

I own Hollywood, I control destinies, there's nothing I can't do on film. Not only did I give Frances McDormand a job, I got that bitch to look almost sexual. In 3D. Do you know anyone else who can do that? You see Fargo? Did you want to fuck her in Fargo? No. But I guarantee you someone in America saw T3 and jerked off to Frances.  Fuck all y'all.

So the future of cinema comes full circle, back away from the cult of the actor to the primacy of the director. You see a future where even mass consumption cinema follows the director; we'll choose to see "Michael Bay's new movie" not "Shia LaBeouf's new movie."  This had previously been the privilege of director-artists-- Woody Allen or Hitchcock come to mind-- but who did not enjoy mass appeal.

If someone goes to see Transformers because it's "Shia Labeouf's new movie" and that person is not Shia Labeouf I'll slit my wrists.


Thank you for your time and candor.


This parody is free speech protected by the First Amendment.  No videos are hosted on this site and remain the property of their original owners. The images, stills, and video clips are the property of their original owners and their use herein is permissible under the fair use provisions of U.S. copyright law and under the corresponding legal theories of copyright and intellectual property law around the world.  Again, I didn't actually interview Michael Bay, but I'd love to.


---


 

1. A much better review of An Education


2.

 


3.

 


4. The next phase in the evolution of action movies







Comments

I said fuck that.... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 11:21 AM | Posted by Dan Dravot: | Reply

I said fuck that. Giant robots.

I am going to tattoo that on my balls.

Best fucking post ever.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 18 (32 votes cast)
That was THOROUGHLY good.</... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 11:24 AM | Posted by Geoff: | Reply

That was THOROUGHLY good.

In the book, I say!

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 5 (15 votes cast)
Cynicism much?... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 11:33 AM | Posted by applesanity: | Reply

Cynicism much?

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -13 (23 votes cast)
... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 12:05 PM | Posted by JMiller: | Reply

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+1... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 12:10 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

+1

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (9 votes cast)
Now this Mr. Dravot, he sou... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 12:14 PM | Posted by chickadee: | Reply

Now this Mr. Dravot, he sounds like a cowboy I wanna party with!

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (8 votes cast)
I've never given Michael Ba... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 12:16 PM | Posted by Liz: | Reply

I've never given Michael Bay much thought. I always figured that if someone makes infantile films, that's on them. If you go watch them, or spend time explaining why you won't watch them, or spending time thinking about how and why you won't watch them, unlike those nasty pubescent proles who will, then that's on you.

But this is...brilliant. I especially love the little references to previous posts.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 23 (25 votes cast)
This is why I don't go to b... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 12:19 PM | Posted by rDigital: | Reply

This is why I don't go to bars.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 4 (8 votes cast)
<3 the style; Brilliant.... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 12:28 PM | Posted by JMiller: | Reply

<3 the style; Brilliant. Also, the preview widget doesn't work -- turns out I have to encode my own <.

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Excellent... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 12:30 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Excellent

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"Fuck you. It's looking ... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 12:30 PM | Posted by Dave: | Reply

"Fuck you. It's looking for spice."

I was laughing out loud at that for a few seconds before I remembered that worms don't need to look for spice -- they make the spice.

Thoroughly entertaining post though.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 21 (25 votes cast)
"fuck you. It's looking for... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 12:34 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

"fuck you. It's looking for spice" may be the funniest thing I've read all week

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 10 (14 votes cast)
Great picture BTW.... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 12:54 PM | Posted by anon: | Reply

Great picture BTW.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Brilliant. Had to check tha... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 1:07 PM | Posted by Daran: | Reply

Brilliant. Had to check that I wasnt reading Iowahawk

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (5 votes cast)
nice, yes, yes, nice... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 1:26 PM | Posted by mmgutz: | Reply

nice, yes, yes, nice

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -2 (6 votes cast)
Everyone loves jive talking... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 1:35 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Everyone loves jive talking robots.

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Very nice. I also enjoyed t... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 3:46 PM | Posted by Whatever: | Reply

Very nice. I also enjoyed the references to other posts. ;)

"Hi, I'm Michael Bay, I'm going to fuck your girlfriend" and you guys just giggle because you're too much of a pussy to tell me to fuck off.

I experimented with the idea the other day and yes, it actually works. On "pussies".

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -1 (19 votes cast)
And here I was foolishly th... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 4:47 PM | Posted by Jess: | Reply

And here I was foolishly thinking there was a struggle between good and evil with eye candy.

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EHUHEHEUHEUHEUHEUEHUHE<br /... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 5:10 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

EHUHEHEUHEUHEUHEUEHUHE
Fucking Genious!

"Fuck that. Giant Robots"

Psychiatry gone MAD!

Brilliant!

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You've been saving it up si... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 6:29 PM | Posted by Sherri: | Reply

You've been saving it up since starting Partial Objects apparently. You just blew your wad. If you ever want to start a cult who's rallying point is an ejaculate sponsored apocalypse, I'm in.

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Michael Bay is robot Bender... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 6:31 PM | Posted by Marián Šarkozy: | Reply

Michael Bay is robot Bender from Futurama.

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Agreed. Best post ever.... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 6:51 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Agreed. Best post ever.

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I DIDN'T LIKE THAT BOLDFACE... (Below threshold)

July 15, 2011 7:10 PM | Posted by The Devastator: | Reply

I DIDN'T LIKE THAT BOLDFACE GUY'S LINE OF QUESTIONING. EXPLAIN YOUR LIES.

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Wow. That was retarded. B... (Below threshold)

July 16, 2011 1:35 AM | Posted by my_witz_end: | Reply

Wow. That was retarded. Bravo.

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You amuse the hell out of y... (Below threshold)

July 16, 2011 8:11 AM | Posted by John: | Reply

You amuse the hell out of yourself. Push back from the internet and think for a bit. These blog posts are killing you, turning occasional insight into schtick. Stop being a performing seal.

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Dear Alone:If you'... (Below threshold)

July 16, 2011 8:41 AM | Posted by robotslave: | Reply

Dear Alone:

If you're watching it, it's for you.

And if you're watching it and telling yourself that you're only watching it as a chaperon for your teen-aged son, then you're watching it because a) yes, it's for you, and b) your ego (in the sense of grandiosity) won't let you admit you want to see it, and your superego (in the sense of what you've convinced yourself is in keeping with the "good" part of the society you live in) says you're a better dad if you let the boy see it, and then bitch about it on your blog, than you would be if you didn't let him see it, and didn't see it yourself, either.

No matter what you do, of course, he's going to go through the next 10-30 years of life with a gigantic asterisk in his head next to everything you've ever told him, no matter how you try to handle it.

And that's not just because you're a shrink, either.

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I dig it. This is what the ... (Below threshold)

July 16, 2011 9:10 AM | Posted by Wish I had a superego: | Reply

I dig it. This is what the internet is for. And yeah, I'd like to see this in your book aswell.

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Or should I say gone CRACKE... (Below threshold)

July 16, 2011 10:34 AM | Posted, in reply to Anonymous's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

Or should I say gone CRACKED?!

haha
brilliant!

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -1 (5 votes cast)
wowwhat a divergent ... (Below threshold)

July 16, 2011 11:02 AM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

wow
what a divergent post

good

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (3 votes cast)
Stunning. I'd quote my fav... (Below threshold)

July 16, 2011 11:28 AM | Posted by thecobrasnose: | Reply

Stunning. I'd quote my favorite bits but end up pasting the entire thing in this box. Thank you!

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 9 (9 votes cast)
This was pure fucking gold.... (Below threshold)

July 17, 2011 7:15 AM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

This was pure fucking gold. I laughed out loud several times.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 2 (6 votes cast)
This was pure fucking gold.... (Below threshold)

July 17, 2011 7:16 AM | Posted by Rich: | Reply

This was pure fucking gold. I laughed out loud several times.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 2 (4 votes cast)
I think that your Michael B... (Below threshold)

July 17, 2011 9:55 PM | Posted by john: | Reply

I think that your Michael Bay is funnier than you/Alone. This is a compliment as Alone is awesome.

I admit to have read years of your work/blog in a week.

Please be careful when becoming unreserved in the comments section (i.e. saying a piece was hard to write.) When great bloggers living in the shadows start doing this, it usually means their end is near.

Do you feel you are an educator at heart, thus this blog? This was a great lecture. Thanks!

Have you considered doing more pieces on things not focused on the US (i.e. Hugo Chavez or What if Harry Potter had been born in the Third World)?

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 3 (9 votes cast)
Love, love, love!!!!... (Below threshold)

July 18, 2011 4:15 PM | Posted by Daphne : | Reply

Love, love, love!!!!

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (3 votes cast)
Nah, he's gone Something Aw... (Below threshold)

July 19, 2011 1:29 AM | Posted, in reply to Anonymous's comment, by Or: | Reply

Nah, he's gone Something Awful. "Asshat" gave it away. Clue to Alone's identity #5: possible SA goon.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 2 (8 votes cast)
do you think he has mangost... (Below threshold)

July 19, 2011 5:21 AM | Posted, in reply to Or's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

do you think he has mangosteen in his house?

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 2 (4 votes cast)
This one HAS to to go in th... (Below threshold)

July 19, 2011 10:08 AM | Posted by W.Kasper: | Reply

This one HAS to to go in the book.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (3 votes cast)
TLP, I wonder if you are ho... (Below threshold)

July 19, 2011 3:23 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

TLP, I wonder if you are hot or not.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 9 (11 votes cast)
Ditto. It'd be helpful to ... (Below threshold)

July 19, 2011 3:37 PM | Posted, in reply to Anonymous's comment, by A hot girl: | Reply

Ditto. It'd be helpful to know how old he is. Also, more details about his sex life.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 5 (9 votes cast)
this is the only point at w... (Below threshold)

July 19, 2011 4:15 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

this is the only point at which this otherwise brilliantly written work panders to unrealistic humor and takes us out of believing it might actually be real. cut this down, and you're golden

Ah, you've deliberately made explicit Carly-the-character's semiotic connection to Rosie-the-actress, bringing the real world into the artificial world of the film. Carly the beautiful girlfriend is "in reality" Rosie, who is known to be a Victoria Secret model, which is itself another signifier, another character, and so on ad infinitum; there is no terminal woman-in-herself. Thus 'woman' is revealed to be always and only a representation, an image, to attract the Lacanian gaze; yet because she cannot be represented in any other way except as such an image she a priori eludes the gaze.

That, and she's got a great rack.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -2 (2 votes cast)
Indeed, I heard she has a g... (Below threshold)

July 19, 2011 4:30 PM | Posted, in reply to Anonymous's comment, by A hot girl: | Reply

Indeed, I heard she has a great medieval torture rack that she uses on men who think she exists solely for their own sexual pleasure and fail to respect the wonderful person that she is inside.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (9 votes cast)
Pass the rum.... (Below threshold)

July 20, 2011 12:10 PM | Posted by Lise: | Reply

Pass the rum.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (7 votes cast)
"Fuck all you all" that sh... (Below threshold)

July 20, 2011 1:03 PM | Posted by harpy: | Reply

"Fuck all you all" that should be "fuck all y'all"

otherwise, great post

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (2 votes cast)
I’m a narcissist. Th... (Below threshold)

July 20, 2011 1:38 PM | Posted by John: | Reply

I’m a narcissist.
This blog has been very helpful to me. Blaming movies borrowing your eloquence and logic to defend against my wife’s lamentations of my lack of presence is great. It has given me clinical insight… acts that used to cause shame when caught don’t anymore (i.e. kicking a dog, masturbation, hating kids, fucking, etc.) Thanks to you, I can bullshit my way out of anything now. You have helped me understand and accept and further focus solely on myself and my fantasies.
It’s amazing to realize how many of us exist, and how much harm we inadvertently cause. I feel relieved and free.
Now I have to ask --as I’m sure this was the purpose of this blog given that you already know there is no cure for narcissism--
do you feel shame or guilt for benefitting me?
Thanks.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 4 (8 votes cast)
Jesus, man, I thought this ... (Below threshold)

July 20, 2011 8:55 PM | Posted by Rooster: | Reply

Jesus, man, I thought this was what you had forked Partial Objects for. It's been quite a while since I've seen anything about psychiatry here, and while your "maverick pirate" schtick works wonders in cutting through the bullshit -- political, methodological, statistical -- of controversies in psychiatry, it doesn't work so well stand-alone.

This post? Maybe a decent stand-up routine, if you do it right. Or with a puppet. And I did enjoy it the first time I scrolled through it, bored during office hours. But it reads like one of the bad Cracked.com blog posts -- the ones that they choose not to feature on their home page -- on a second read.

Not that there's anything wrong with that; it's just that you used to deliver the finer cut, and frankly, the clown market is crowded with amazing talent. Hell, reddit is basically a machine through which plain people make raw material cohere into cheap, workable funnies. Play to your strengths, dude. Not Akiskal, not Tucker Max -- Alone, the pirate doctor.

Now take a look at the good old "pirate" logo from your golden age and ask yourself if this post is really the use you want to make of the audience and street cred that you built on its strength.

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Good grief, Rooster. Consi... (Below threshold)

July 21, 2011 12:49 AM | Posted, in reply to Rooster's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

Good grief, Rooster. Consider this:

"I could replace him with a fucking glass cylinder of my farts and you'd watch it."

Cracked,indeed. And Alone, if you're listening, the paragraph about the gaze was probably the clearest elucidation of that idea I've read. Thanks, again.

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I would watch a movie with ... (Below threshold)

July 22, 2011 7:26 PM | Posted by Antoinebugleboy: | Reply

I would watch a movie with this Michael Bay as the antihero if anyone other than Michael Bay directed it.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (3 votes cast)
brilliant! thanks for so ma... (Below threshold)

July 25, 2011 3:35 AM | Posted by kwm: | Reply

brilliant! thanks for so many provocative deconstructions TLP. Diabolical timing with the Norway tragedy...'My name is ABB...and I just fucked your girlfriend...in the head'. Chillingly prescient bro in light of current events.

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As is known to all historie... (Below threshold)

July 26, 2011 6:38 AM | Posted by Oakley Limited Editions Sunglasses: | Reply

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Anonymous:No, Oakl... (Below threshold)

July 28, 2011 8:15 PM | Posted by Rooster: | Reply

Anonymous:

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A knowledge, a growth, a go... (Below threshold)

July 29, 2011 10:49 PM | Posted by cheap chi flat iron: | Reply

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It's official. Michael Bay... (Below threshold)

August 2, 2011 9:33 AM | Posted by sparkly: | Reply

It's official. Michael Bay rules, alone sucks. Get rid of this alone character and have Michael Bay run the site. At least he completes his thoughts within his sentences, no matter how short.

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Well, you have to admire a ... (Below threshold)

August 3, 2011 2:27 PM | Posted by Timmeh: | Reply

Well, you have to admire a guy who knows what he wants to do, does it, does it really well, and doesn't apologize for doing it.

As opposed to some reality show on the CW called 'men, they don't know what they did wrong.'

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I noticed you have changed ... (Below threshold)

August 6, 2011 4:57 AM | Posted by anon: | Reply

I noticed you have changed the title, was that necessary?

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Ha, ha. That was funny as h... (Below threshold)

November 2, 2011 12:51 PM | Posted by How to increase metabolism: | Reply

Ha, ha. That was funny as hell -- loved the secret of happiness picture.

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lame... (Below threshold)

November 2, 2011 1:39 PM | Posted by -penis: | Reply

lame

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Haha of course he's not! He... (Below threshold)

April 16, 2012 11:17 AM | Posted, in reply to Anonymous's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

Haha of course he's not! Hence his need to spend all his time on this shitty blog.

Comments like yours? Probably the only narcissistic supply he'll ever get.

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I stopped reading in third ... (Below threshold)

May 6, 2012 11:30 AM | Posted by mmm: | Reply

I stopped reading in third paragraph ... it wasn't for me. Am I getting cured?

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pretty funny, appeals to in... (Below threshold)

April 30, 2013 9:36 PM | Posted by goddess: | Reply

pretty funny, appeals to intelligent people that are well read..delightfully funny

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You're not a narcissist, yo... (Below threshold)

December 4, 2013 6:33 PM | Posted, in reply to John's comment, by suicideaddict: | Reply

You're not a narcissist, you're a psychopath.

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