April 8, 2011

The Abusive Boyfriend

gabriel aubry.jpg
not pictured

He doesn't hit you, he's not that kind of abusive.

And he's not mean, or controlling, not like that.  No, not really.

But he's careful to make sure you don't notice that a certain movie is on tonight, and he's deftly avoided ballroom dancing lessons with you.  And he walks you the other way if he spots one of your friends, or any billboard with Gabriel Aubry on it.
 
He's not jealous, he just doesn't want you... distracted.

He has no problem admitting that other men are attractive ("I'm no Tom Cruise"), but never the men that you yourself find attractive.

He's never mean or disrespectful to your friends when you're out together (he goes reluctantly, but for you), but later he reminds you of how you're better than they are, and when they do things "like that" it's silly/wrong/beneath you.  He never says you can't go out with them, but there's always a coincidental reason for you not to.  "Oh..... well..................... I had a special night planned for just the two of us..."

How sweet he is, once a month he buys you a new CD, classical music, with a flower, though now you don't really listen much to the music you used to like.

He is always with you, always in contact with you.  Even when he's not there you hear him in your head like a voice over.  You've even said to him, "sometimes I'm about to do something that I would have done before I met you, and then I hear your voice and I think, "well, Tom would say XYZ" and I realize that I shouldn't do it after all, and I feel so much happier having that part of you with me" and he nods knowingly, yes, he says silently, you're learning to be a better person.

No one else who knows you understands why you're with him.

But you're not unhappy.  When you're with him, alone, things are usually great.  And he loves you, there's no question.  Maybe you think he's worried you don't love him?  But you do, how can you express that to him, so he believes it, so he doesn't have to feel threatened by anyone else?

Save your breath, that's not what he's worried about.  He has a different class of dread, because he is, after all, really smart, and perceptive.  He has, deep down, that feeling that  you're not really compatible, and he may even know he's not good for you-- he may suspect he's actively clipping your wings so you don't get away.

He tells himself that he's keeping bad influences away from you, protecting you from "your old self."  But he doesn't completely believe that-- he is,after all, perceptive-- he secretly knows these "bad" things are better for you, they are more you.  He knows you'd be happier with them.  But then there'd be no room left for him.

What's he sure about is that this is the best there is.  Other things, different things,  may make you temporarily happier;  more money, a trip, more freedom, a bigger dick, laughs with friends, but in terms of your life, your soul, this is as far as you need to go.

He will help you pursue any goal, any happiness, as long as it does not compromise your relationship with him.  He will give you everything and allow you to do anything, as long as nothing makes you wonder if he isn't manipulating you, as long as nothing makes you wonder if another kind of life is possible.  Not a better life, just a different life.  He'll take a bullet for you on instinct, but if another man innocuously tells you he's also interested in art history or compliments your hair, then you'll relentlessly over months be presented with subtle reasons why art history is a fraud and you need a haircut.  Attacking the man would be too transparent.

But why so much energy controlling the world?  Why not just let things be and see what happens?  Is he so afraid things will get worse?

No.  He's afraid things will get worse or they will get better.  He is afraid of change, any change, not just because the relationship may change but because if it changes then he would have to change.  Into what?  How?  With what resources?  With what net?  Once change has happened, doesn't that mean other possibilities were obliterated?  It is his possibilities he is trying to beat down with your sclerosed dreams.

All that matters is keeping the relationship intact.  Even if you both end up miserable, better misery and stability with him than the tachycardia of something else, something unknown, something he can't control or defend against.

Do you know this guy?  You think you do.

This is what you need to know: the boyfriend I'm describing isn't Tom, the hipster who's number one on your speed dial.   And no, I'm not directing this at you, man-boy, I'm not saying you are doing this to your woman, though you may be.  At any moment there is only one person in the room no matter how many people are in the room, and that one person, you, is lugging around the same man you've lived with for years.  The abusive boyfriend I'm describing is your unconscious, and Tom has nothing on him, though Tom has, through the hypertrophied intuition of damaged men, figured out how it all works.

The unconscious doesn't care about happiness, or sadness, or gifts, or bullets.  It has one single goal, protect the ego, protect status quo.  Do not change and you will not die.  It will allow you to go to college across the country to escape your parents, but turn up the volume of their pre-recorded soundbites when you get there.  It will trick you into thinking you're making a huge life change, moving to this new city or marrying that great guy, even as everyone else around you can see what you can't, that Boulder is exactly like Oakland and he is just like the last guys.   And all the missed opportunities-- maybe I shouldn't, and isn't that high? and he probably already has a girlfriend, and I can't change careers at 44, and 3 months for the first 3/4 and going on ten years for the last fourth, and do I really deserve this?-- all of that is maintenance of the status quo, the ego.

You think you're with Tom by accident?  You were set up.

And when all else fails, it will beat you down with apathy.  Or the Monday night lineup.  Or pot.  Or-------------------

The men, or women, aren't lying to you, and you're not even lying to yourself.  You are being lied to, by yourself.








Comments

You had me going there unti... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 11:58 AM | Posted by Whatever: | Reply

You had me going there until I realized you meant one's self. And instantly I knew this was true.

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I am Jack's raging bile duc... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 12:12 PM | Posted by rDigital: | Reply

I am Jack's raging bile duct.

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That was lovely, thank you ... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 12:37 PM | Posted by Chiara: | Reply

That was lovely, thank you :)

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Thank goodness for psychoan... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 12:39 PM | Posted by butterflymcdoom: | Reply

Thank goodness for psychoanalysis.

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Jeez louise, what if you ha... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 1:12 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Jeez louise, what if you have a subconcious and an ex like that?

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So good!... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 1:27 PM | Posted by Andrew: | Reply

So good!

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I read this and thought, "T... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 1:38 PM | Posted by Nadia: | Reply

I read this and thought, "This is how I used to be." Then I thought, maybe I'm still lying to myself?

What is the test to catch yourself lying? Actual changes, taking risks and often failing or being hurt? Then getting up and doing it all over again, improving yourself? Real, gut-wrenching changes versus superficial acts...thoughts?

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What about the flip side (y... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 3:03 PM | Posted by Rebecca: | Reply

What about the flip side (you touched on it briefly)? When you cling to doing things that make you "most uncomfortable" (but are the most appealing) in favor of doing things that make you feel "static" (but are unappealing)? I see this often with fellow housewives: trip here, move there, change this, upgrade that, all to avoid accepting where you are.

Or is that just another change to be avoided? Keep things in motion, since you've always been in motion, to avoid having to change to the new environment?

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"Sarah: Give me the child.<... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 3:24 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

"Sarah: Give me the child.
Jareth: Sarah, beware. I have been generous, up until now. But I can be cruel.
Sarah: (disbelieving) Generous? What have you done that's generous?
Jareth: Everything! Everything that you wanted, I have done! You asked that the child be taken - I took him. You cowered before me - I was frightening. I have reordered time, I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?
Sarah: Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered... I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the goblin city to take back the child you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours... and my kin-
Jareth: Stop! Wait. Look, Sarah, look what I'm offering. (he holds out the crystal) Your dreams!
Sarah: (undeterred) And my kingdom as great...
Jareth: I ask for so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want.
Sarah: Kingdom as great... ... damn... I can never remember that line.
Jareth: Just fear me - love me - do as I say, and I will be your slave!
Sarah: My kingdom as great... my kingdom as great... (she looks at him, inspired) You have no power over me!"


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WOW!!! `nuff said.... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 3:26 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

WOW!!! `nuff said.

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this does not sound like al... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 3:38 PM | Posted by Snifter: | Reply

this does not sound like alone.

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this does not sound like... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 3:52 PM | Posted by Murnau: | Reply

this does not sound like alone.

You can't have been reading very long then.

Anonymous: Cudos for the Labyrinth quote.

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Wow, very, very nice.... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 5:34 PM | Posted by Threaladaam: | Reply

Wow, very, very nice.
Very well written.

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Great work, small quibble w... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 5:57 PM | Posted by Whowashere: | Reply

Great work, small quibble which I am totally potentially wrong about. I've always thought of the manifestation of that voice, the "pre-recorded subtitles" as the super-ego. The unconscious can be the voice of stagnation, but also of creative inspiration, which can be quite oppositional to stasis. While, at least as I see it, the super-ego is always the moralities and opinions of others restraining you (occasionally positively, like: 'hey, don't murder' but mostly in a 'hey: don't be free because I am not' sorta way)

In any case, the internalized criticism of others viz the fear of change (manifest as guilt) is the greatest internal restriction on freedom we face.

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What can I do about it?... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 6:03 PM | Posted by Lise: | Reply

What can I do about it?

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Thank you very much, Alone<... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 6:18 PM | Posted by Alex-5: | Reply

Thank you very much, Alone

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This might be your best one... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 6:52 PM | Posted by Ryan McKenna: | Reply

This might be your best one yet.

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I'm not a twat - other peop... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 7:38 PM | Posted by Not important: | Reply

I'm not a twat - other people are

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Wonderful. While reading th... (Below threshold)

April 8, 2011 9:36 PM | Posted by bagelybagel: | Reply

Wonderful. While reading the first half of that post I looked from as many perspectives as I could at my own relationships to try to make your narrative fit (as I've been conditioned to expect them to). However, whichever lens I tried to view them through, the description didn't really resonate with me.

Then with that sudden adjustment to the narrative, the cognitive dissonance immediately faded and I came to understand your meaning!

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So Alone isn't talking abou... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 12:13 AM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

So Alone isn't talking about Tom ..
but Tom exists ?


"He has no problem admitting that other men are attractive ("I'm no Tom Cruise"), but never the men that you yourself find attractive. "


Irony ?

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Should have figured there'd... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 12:58 AM | Posted, in reply to Whatever's comment, by Dave: | Reply

Should have figured there'd be a twist to it. I gave up half way through and missed it.

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Whiney... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 4:12 AM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Whiney

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Always pot.... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 7:58 AM | Posted by skwid: | Reply

Always pot.

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So why bother with consciou... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 8:44 AM | Posted by skwid: | Reply

So why bother with consciousness at all? What am I actually contributing to this? Why not just let the blank unconscious "decide" mechanically how I do and do not behave and skip the formality of there actually being "something" there just bearing witness, along for the ride?

When I feel that I am "consciously" dis-regarding some injunction or other, is this "me" at my point of freedom (I am free to not do what must be done, etc.), or just some hidden "clause" in the injunction which allows for it's breaking?

If the conscious just is a void given form by the unconscious, why bother with the distinction; am I not just open 'all the way down'? Drive, for example... does it 'really exist' in its pure form, a priori, "actually in there" some where, quietly dictating my perceived motivation, or is it an after-the-fact correlation of disparate and spontaneous / arbitrary behaviours?

(not rhetorical questions)

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Terrific post, Alone. Than... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 8:58 AM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Terrific post, Alone. Thank you for all the effort you put into this blog.

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"At any moment there is onl... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 9:55 AM | Posted by Annie: | Reply

"At any moment there is only one person in the room no matter how many people are in the room, and that one person, you, is lugging around the same man you've lived with for years. The abusive boyfriend I'm describing is your unconscious."

This helped me more than the past 6 mnths of therapy.

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Annie, can you please elabo... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 12:03 PM | Posted, in reply to Annie's comment, by Django: | Reply

Annie, can you please elaborate?

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Perfect timing. Just got of... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 12:04 PM | Posted by NoFixedAbode: | Reply

Perfect timing. Just got off of a 6 month wake-and-bake binge - this essay really helps clarify why I keep abusing the good herb.

What type of psychotherapy would be best for uncovering more of these inner mind games?

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First, it bears repeating t... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 6:13 PM | Posted by rawford: | Reply

First, it bears repeating that this post is very fine, perceptive, beautiful even.

Second, while the metaphor is instructive for describing the problem, and understanding the problem is obviously necessary to finding a solution, it breaks down when you start trying to actually devise that solution. The way you deal with an abusive boyfriend is by leaving him. There is no use trying reform him because he isn't interested in being reformed or redeemed, and you can't control him. So you have to go and stay gone.

You cannot leave your subconscious. Some say you can, but I've never seen it done in person. Nor can you kill it, like you might Tom. Unless of course you're willing to go the whole murder suicide route. I mean you could try to fight him, and maybe you'd be able to get on top a few times, but all the smart money is on the boyfriend. He's like a hundred pounds above your weight class.

If there's a way out it's collaborative and conciliatory. I don't know precisely what that means practically, though.

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Beautifully written. ... (Below threshold)

April 9, 2011 7:06 PM | Posted by mikeem: | Reply

Beautifully written.

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NoFixedAbode: basically any... (Below threshold)

April 10, 2011 12:52 AM | Posted, in reply to NoFixedAbode's comment, by wilyliam: | Reply

NoFixedAbode: basically anything but "supportive" therapy. Psychodynamic will help you explore your mind, but even CBT will help you learn to challenge your assumptions and automatic behaviors.

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Perfect, thanks again for w... (Below threshold)

April 10, 2011 3:09 AM | Posted by Proximo: | Reply

Perfect, thanks again for writing this blog.

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I can say that as best as I... (Below threshold)

April 10, 2011 7:54 PM | Posted by DCF: | Reply

I can say that as best as I can tell, I've gotten "away" from my unconscious for short periods of times.

It's not that it disappeared completely, it just was pushed far enough away that it transformed from the driving force of my conscious thoughts to sort of this funny little character trying to get my attention. Profound indeed... imho, there is no curing it, only transcending it.

What does everyone do to deal with this abusive ex?

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@Django I should first poi... (Below threshold)

April 10, 2011 8:49 PM | Posted by Annie: | Reply

@Django I should first point out that I read this post right before reading this post. (http://partialobjects.com/2011/04/how-to-get-results/)

The two combined (mainly the part about 'eating a death cookie'), were dead ringers, articulated in a way that for whatever reason, hit like a tonne of bricks. I just haven't had that "ton of bricks" feeling throughout 6 months of CB therapy. The metaphor helped to draw a straight line between a few seemingly unrelated behaviours. "You are being lied to, by yourself" nailed it for me.

I had to read this post a few times and in doing so, discovered that not only can we sub out "he" for "your unconscious," but I can also alternate "abusive boyfriend" for "abusive career" or "abusive eating." Definitely not abusive in ways we're used to ("he's not mean, abusive or jealous"). Rather "his" endless self-sabotaging of any efforts to move beyond the status quo. "Miserable, but stable." Que the unshakeable anxiety, then the insomnia.

The eerie, and now obvious thing about this post is that if read literally, it still describes men I date. Mirror images.

Thanks Alone - one of your best, no doubt.

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Has anyone noticed that "al... (Below threshold)

April 10, 2011 9:49 PM | Posted by GT: | Reply

Has anyone noticed that "alone" is in bold?

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Whowashere:I've on... (Below threshold)

April 11, 2011 10:18 PM | Posted by YRK: | Reply

Whowashere:

I've only read a bit on psychodynamic explanations, but the super-ego is part of the unconscious, no?


I love the blog, Alone, and I have kind of an oddball question (for anyone with experience with therapy, or even who's read enough to wager an informed guess): can people with personality disorders be helped by therapy?

I suspect I have schizoid personality disorder, and the more I read the more disheartened I become, as many people say that personality disorders cannot be treated. Once I can get insurance I'll pursue therapy anyway--can't hurt to try, plus I'm hoping that I have a different, more tractable problem(s)--but has anyone else been pegged with a PD and subsequently found effective, lasting help?

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Can people with personality... (Below threshold)

April 12, 2011 1:09 AM | Posted, in reply to YRK's comment, by butterflymcdoom: | Reply

Can people with personality orders be helped by therapy? Your mileage may vary.

In other words: Seek out a therapist (or psychoanalyst, if you're up for it) whom you feel you can trust, not merely tolerate. A professional opinion will be best garnered from someone you build a therapeutic relationship with, not a coldly clinical one. Self-diagnosis is a tricky business at best. You owe it to yourself to check it out.

And I'm sorry if that comes off as condescending; I don't know how much you know (or don't) about therapy.

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This is a beautiful post, a... (Below threshold)

April 12, 2011 10:35 AM | Posted by anoonamoose: | Reply

This is a beautiful post, as many before me have remarked. As I read it and re-read it, as a man, I wonder, "am I lugging around the same man I have been for years, or is that a woman I've been lugging around?"

Does what you're describing in this, again, beautiful, post, work in a precisely symmetric way with respect to gender? I don't mean the various examples, which would flip trivially: "She'll take a bullet for you on instinct, but if another woman innocuously tells you she's also interested in big trucks or compliments your hair, then you'll relentlessly over months be presented with subtle reasons why Monster Truck Racing is a fraud and you need a haircut."

Rather, I'm asking about the beauty of the post itself. You describe the male Abusive Boyfriend for a woman, and it winds up, in a beautiful arc, being her genderless Unconscious. If you started with the female Abusive Girlfriend for a man, and it wound up being his genderless Unconscious, would the post be equally as beautiful?

I don't think so, because of this one sentence: "At any moment there is only one person in the room no matter how many people are in the room, and that one person, you, is lugging around the same man you've lived with for years." I feel like I, too, am lugging around the same man I've lived with for years, and, though all the build-up of the Abusive Girlfriend would be spot-on, and all the following description of the unconscious would be equally insightful, flipping that one sentence to have me lugging around a woman for years would feel like a "miss," so to speak.

Try it, let me know what you think. Maybe it's just me.

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Wonderful post. For a guy, ... (Below threshold)

April 12, 2011 1:01 PM | Posted by Libby Cone: | Reply

Wonderful post. For a guy, might it be the "Abusive Father who'll never be Satisfied"?

Meanwhile, watch this and try not to vomit:http://tinyurl.com/42e2h3o

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<a href="http://thirdtierre... (Below threshold)

April 12, 2011 2:56 PM | Posted by guest: | Reply

http://thirdtierreality.blogspot.com/

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Fantastic! - V... (Below threshold)

April 12, 2011 11:36 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Fantastic!

- V

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Forgive me for going all Ju... (Below threshold)

April 13, 2011 9:21 AM | Posted by Jungfrau: | Reply

Forgive me for going all Jungian here - but this seems to fit with the Jungian concept of "animus", namely the negative animus. Animus/anima is our link between conscious and unconscious, and as such it is pretty common to confuse animus/anima with the unconscious itself, when in reality, the unconscious is much more vast (and balanced, once a constructive relationship is built with one's animus/anima - sorry for the shorthand that can sound like woo-woo, I just don't want to write a book when better ones have been written by people much more knowledgeable and experienced). As for anoonamouse's pertinent question about it being a woman for men, right on according to Jungian thought: "anima", negative anima in this case.

When animus/anima are unconscious (not recognized by the ego for their "go-between" function, oversimplifying of course) is when they're negative. I'll try a feeble attempt at putting it into more plain speech: we all carry around ideas of What Should Be (archetypes), and for ourselves that's What I Should Be. When we avoid parts of ourselves, whether positive or negative, or indeed, when we judge things too quickly as "good" (positive) or "bad" (negative), we trigger a negative relationship with our unconscious, that's personified by animus/anima (and men-anima, women-animus isn't carved in stone, it's "merely" meant to represent this relationship, communication, with the unconscious). Negative why? Because a part of ourselves is being repressed. Building a constructive relationship (therapy helps) allows us to learn how to deal with parts of ourselves, giving them expression in healthy ways (not just doing whatever you feel like, eh). As for putting into plain speech what "the unconscious" is, I won't even try, I'm no psychologist or analyst, just an analysand muddling her way through her own issues in part by intellectualizing :D

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What about Mark, the danger... (Below threshold)

April 13, 2011 7:31 PM | Posted by Unknown : | Reply

What about Mark, the dangerous and tempting bad boy with whom you have pleasure on the spot, only feeling bad or guilty afterwards ? Don't know why he attracts you some much, but he sure gets you all the time (until the day you fall for guys more like Tom).

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This is what makes insight ... (Below threshold)

April 15, 2011 9:39 PM | Posted by I drink your milkshake.: | Reply

This is what makes insight so beautiful. Great therapy is an art form and it transends time.
The personal becomes perspective, and the fear fades. This is when you leave control behind and figure out who you are or can be.
This is the heart of therapy and I love it-like great songs, paintings, movies.
Great job expressing it.

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Agreed. I was thinking the ... (Below threshold)

April 21, 2011 12:40 PM | Posted, in reply to Snifter's comment, by notalone: | Reply

Agreed. I was thinking the same thing. This reads like a guest post.

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I didn't think this was goo... (Below threshold)

April 21, 2011 12:45 PM | Posted by notalone: | Reply

I didn't think this was good at all. Surprisingly bad. Which is why I think someone else wrote this.

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YRK: Check out Dialectical ... (Below threshold)

April 21, 2011 1:35 PM | Posted, in reply to YRK's comment, by Daniel Hope: | Reply

YRK: Check out Dialectical Behavior Therapy which was devised for Personality Disorders but is helpful for all of my clients.

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Brutal. Straight. Truth.</p... (Below threshold)

April 27, 2011 8:25 PM | Posted by StandsWithAGist: | Reply

Brutal. Straight. Truth.

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I honestly believe that thi... (Below threshold)

May 8, 2011 10:56 AM | Posted by tipthewink: | Reply

I honestly believe that this post is the single most useful thing I've read on the internet. Thank you TLP.

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Well, that's kinda just you... (Below threshold)

June 10, 2011 12:57 AM | Posted, in reply to anoonamoose's comment, by Francis: | Reply

Well, that's kinda just you. That and/or it's a cultural thing, to only be able to see this abusive self as a man.

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"What about Mark, the dange... (Below threshold)

June 10, 2011 12:58 AM | Posted, in reply to Unknown 's comment, by Francis: | Reply

"What about Mark, the dangerous and tempting bad boy with whom you have pleasure on the spot, only feeling bad or guilty afterwards ? Don't know why he attracts you some much, but he sure gets you all the time (until the day you fall for guys more like Tom)."

Well, that's Tom telling you that he's a "dangerous and tempting bad boy." And why do you think that you feel bad or guilty afterwards? Tom.

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Well, opinion *is* subjecti... (Below threshold)

June 10, 2011 1:00 AM | Posted, in reply to notalone's comment, by Francis: | Reply

Well, opinion *is* subjective... That and/or that's Tom trying to make sure that his tactic's stay hidden...

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A little creepy, but how ve... (Below threshold)

June 10, 2011 6:59 AM | Posted by Zoe: | Reply

A little creepy, but how very true!! Brilliantly written!

Zoe

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thanks, wilyliam. I was ask... (Below threshold)

June 13, 2011 12:29 AM | Posted, in reply to wilyliam's comment, by Bnd: | Reply

thanks, wilyliam. I was asking myself the same.

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Thanks, Alone.... (Below threshold)

June 13, 2011 1:04 AM | Posted by Bnd: | Reply

Thanks, Alone.

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"Thank goodness for psychoa... (Below threshold)

June 15, 2011 6:19 PM | Posted, in reply to butterflymcdoom's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

"Thank goodness for psychoanalysis."

well...
you can be thankful, but this is not psychoanalysis.

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Directed by M. Night Shyama... (Below threshold)

June 17, 2011 10:32 AM | Posted by Ben: | Reply

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

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<a href="http://www.youtube... (Below threshold)

July 6, 2011 2:23 AM | Posted by Francis: | Reply

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsZFLD1VS6A&feature=bf_next&list=SL&index=12

07:31-Perfect example of that "abusive boyfriend"

It's not a ba show either, by the way

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"It will allow you to go to... (Below threshold)

July 9, 2011 3:55 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

"It will allow you to go to college across the country to escape your parents, but turn up the volume of their pre-recorded soundbites when you get there. It will trick you into thinking you're making a huge life change, moving to this new city or marrying that great guy, even as everyone else around you can see what you can't, that Boulder is exactly like Oakland and he is just like the last guys. And all the missed opportunities-- maybe I shouldn't, and isn't that high? and he probably already has a girlfriend, and I can't change careers at 44, and 3 months for the first 3/4 and going on ten years for the last fourth, and do I really deserve this?-- all of that is maintenance of the status quo, the ego."

So true... we sabotage ourselves in so subtle ways...

Thank you very much, Alone. Thank you very much indeed.

Everyone should read this.

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They both deserved better. ... (Below threshold)

July 18, 2011 6:32 PM | Posted by golddigger: | Reply

They both deserved better. Some passions are meant to play out in the moment, never more.

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I've read this post over an... (Below threshold)

July 26, 2011 5:56 PM | Posted by lynn: | Reply

I've read this post over and over, and I've read all the comments, and I still don't understand it. Am I so out-of-touch with my own thoughts that I don't even see this happening, or does it just not happen to me?

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Have you ever been on thera... (Below threshold)

July 27, 2011 1:26 AM | Posted, in reply to lynn's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

Have you ever been on therapy?

Have you ever tried to change something about yourself?

There you have.

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“Unnecessary risks are bein... (Below threshold)

July 27, 2011 2:03 PM | Posted by Robert Taylor: | Reply

“Unnecessary risks are being taken by patients seeking the liberation treatment.” says Dr. Avneesh Gupte of the CCSVI Clinic. “It has been our contention since we started doing minimally invasive venous angioplasties nearly 6 years ago that discharging patients who have had neck vein surgery on an outpatient basis is contra-indicated. We have been keeping patients hospitalized for a week to 10 days as a matter of safety and monitoring them for symptoms. Nobody who has the liberation therapy gets discharged earlier than that. During that time we do daily Doppler Ultrasounds, blood work and blood pressure monitoring among other testing. This has been the safe practice standard that we have adopted and this post-procedure monitoring over 10 days is the subject of our recent study as it relates to CCSVI for MS patients.”

Although the venous angioplasty therapy on neck veins has been done for MS patients at CCSVI Clinic only for the last 18 months it has been performed on narrow or occluded neck veins for other reasons for many years. “Where we encounter blocked neck veins resulting in a reflux of blood to the brain, we treat it as a disease,” says Gupte. “It’s not normal pathology and we have seen improved health outcomes for patients where we have relieved the condition with minimal occurrences of re-stenosis long-term. We believe that our record of safety and success is due to our post-procedure protocol because we have had to take patients back to the OR to re-treat them in that 10-day period. Otherwise some people could have run into trouble, no question.”

Calgary MS patient Maralyn Clarke died recently after being treated for CCSVI at Synergy Health Concepts of Newport Beach, California on an outpatient basis. Synergy Health Concepts discharges patients as a rule without in-clinic provisions for follow up and aftercare. Post-procedure, Mrs. Clarke was discharged, checked into a hotel, and suffered a massive bleed in the brain only hours after the procedure. Dr. Joseph Hewett of Synergy Health recently made a cross-Canada tour promoting his clinic for safe, effective treatment of CCSVI for MS patients at public forums in major Canadian cities including Calgary.

“That just couldn’t happen here, but the sooner we develop written standards and best practices for the liberation procedure and observe them in practice, the safer the MS community will be”, says Dr. Gupte. “The way it is now is just madness. Everyone seems to be taking shortcuts. We know that it is expensive to keep patients in a clinical setting over a single night much less 10 days, but it’s quite absurd to release them the same day they have the procedure. We have always believed it to be unsafe and now it has proven to be unsafe. The thing is, are Synergy Health Concepts and other clinics doing the Liberation Treatment going to be changing their aftercare methods even though they know it is unsafe to release a patient on the same day? The answer is no, even after Mrs. Clarke’s unfortunate and unnecessary death. Therefore, they are not focused on patient safety…it’s become about money only and lives are being put at risk as a result.”

Joanne Warkentin of Morden Manitoba, an MS patient who recently had both the liberation therapy and stem cell therapy at CCSVI Clinic agrees with Dr. Gupte. “Discharging patients on the same day as the procedure is ridiculous. I was in the hospital being monitored for 12 days before we flew back. People looking for a place to have the therapy must do their homework to find better options. We found CCSVI Clinic and there’s no place on earth that’s better to go for Liberation Therapy at the moment. I have given my complete medical file from CCSVI Clinic over to my Canadian physician for review.” For more information Log on to http://ccsviclinic.ca/?p=866 OR Call on Toll Free: 888-419-6855.

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“Unnecessary risks are bein... (Below threshold)

July 27, 2011 2:04 PM | Posted by Robert Taylor: | Reply

“Unnecessary risks are being taken by patients seeking the liberation treatment.” says Dr. Avneesh Gupte of the CCSVI Clinic. “It has been our contention since we started doing minimally invasive venous angioplasties nearly 6 years ago that discharging patients who have had neck vein surgery on an outpatient basis is contra-indicated. We have been keeping patients hospitalized for a week to 10 days as a matter of safety and monitoring them for symptoms. Nobody who has the liberation therapy gets discharged earlier than that. During that time we do daily Doppler Ultrasounds, blood work and blood pressure monitoring among other testing. This has been the safe practice standard that we have adopted and this post-procedure monitoring over 10 days is the subject of our recent study as it relates to CCSVI for MS patients.”

Although the venous angioplasty therapy on neck veins has been done for MS patients at CCSVI Clinic only for the last 18 months it has been performed on narrow or occluded neck veins for other reasons for many years. “Where we encounter blocked neck veins resulting in a reflux of blood to the brain, we treat it as a disease,” says Gupte. “It’s not normal pathology and we have seen improved health outcomes for patients where we have relieved the condition with minimal occurrences of re-stenosis long-term. We believe that our record of safety and success is due to our post-procedure protocol because we have had to take patients back to the OR to re-treat them in that 10-day period. Otherwise some people could have run into trouble, no question.”

Calgary MS patient Maralyn Clarke died recently after being treated for CCSVI at Synergy Health Concepts of Newport Beach, California on an outpatient basis. Synergy Health Concepts discharges patients as a rule without in-clinic provisions for follow up and aftercare. Post-procedure, Mrs. Clarke was discharged, checked into a hotel, and suffered a massive bleed in the brain only hours after the procedure. Dr. Joseph Hewett of Synergy Health recently made a cross-Canada tour promoting his clinic for safe, effective treatment of CCSVI for MS patients at public forums in major Canadian cities including Calgary.

“That just couldn’t happen here, but the sooner we develop written standards and best practices for the liberation procedure and observe them in practice, the safer the MS community will be”, says Dr. Gupte. “The way it is now is just madness. Everyone seems to be taking shortcuts. We know that it is expensive to keep patients in a clinical setting over a single night much less 10 days, but it’s quite absurd to release them the same day they have the procedure. We have always believed it to be unsafe and now it has proven to be unsafe. The thing is, are Synergy Health Concepts and other clinics doing the Liberation Treatment going to be changing their aftercare methods even though they know it is unsafe to release a patient on the same day? The answer is no, even after Mrs. Clarke’s unfortunate and unnecessary death. Therefore, they are not focused on patient safety…it’s become about money only and lives are being put at risk as a result.”

Joanne Warkentin of Morden Manitoba, an MS patient who recently had both the liberation therapy and stem cell therapy at CCSVI Clinic agrees with Dr. Gupte. “Discharging patients on the same day as the procedure is ridiculous. I was in the hospital being monitored for 12 days before we flew back. People looking for a place to have the therapy must do their homework to find better options. We found CCSVI Clinic and there’s no place on earth that’s better to go for Liberation Therapy at the moment. I have given my complete medical file from CCSVI Clinic over to my Canadian physician for review.” For more information Log on to http://ccsviclinic.ca/?p=866 OR Call on Toll Free: 888-419-6855.

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Hahahaha!... (Below threshold)

August 12, 2011 12:17 AM | Posted, in reply to Not important's comment, by Nicki: | Reply

Hahahaha!

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This is massive.He... (Below threshold)

December 16, 2011 11:42 AM | Posted by DGS: | Reply

This is massive.

Here is something that helped me - Tolle's take on ego:

if your thought comes from a place of fear or negativity, then it is your ego. You are not your thought, you are your awarenessto thought.

For example, I saw a show based in Miami recently, and I thought "Why don't I live in Miami, this sucks!"

I followed and examined it to "I think I deserve to live in Miami"

and I was afraid I wasn't.

Hence it was fear and narcissism. Not me.

And I started thinking how I could change my actions in reality to get to Miami.

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Its such a nice site, i'am ... (Below threshold)

March 26, 2012 7:38 AM | Posted by Surgical Instruments: | Reply

Its such a nice site, i'am the regular visitor of this web. Its very informative site.

Surgical Instruments

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I like your site, its such ... (Below threshold)

March 31, 2012 3:03 AM | Posted by Orthopedic Instruments: | Reply

I like your site, its such a nice information and i appericiate that.

Orthopedic Instruments

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Its such a nice site, i am ... (Below threshold)

March 31, 2012 3:18 AM | Posted by Neurosurgery Instruments: | Reply

Its such a nice site, i am the regular visitor of this web. Its very informative site.

Neurosurgery Instruments

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Stem cells are “non-special... (Below threshold)

April 4, 2012 11:49 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Stem cells are “non-specialized” cells that have the potential to form into other types of specific cells, such as blood, muscles or nerves. They are unlike "differentiated" cells which have already become whatever organ or structure they are in the body. Stem cells are present throughout our body, but more abundant in a fetus.
Medical researchers and scientists believe that stem cell therapy will, in the near future, advance medicine dramatically and change the course of disease treatment. This is because stem cells have the ability to grow into any kind of cell and, if transplanted into the body, will relocate to the damaged tissue, replacing it. For example, neural cells in the spinal cord, brain, optic nerves, or other parts of the central nervous system that have been injured can be replaced by injected stem cells. Various stem cell therapies are already practiced, a popular one being bone marrow transplants that are used to treat leukemia. In theory and in fact, lifeless cells anywhere in the body, no matter what the cause of the disease or injury, can be replaced with vigorous new cells because of the remarkable plasticity of stem cells. Biomed companies predict that with all of the research activity in stem cell therapy currently being directed toward the technology, a wider range of disease types including cancer, diabetes, spinal cord injury, and even multiple sclerosis will be effectively treated in the future. Recently announced trials are now underway to study both safety and efficacy of autologous stem cell transplantation in MS patients because of promising early results from previous trials.
History
Research into stem cells grew out of the findings of two Canadian researchers, Dr’s James Till and Ernest McCulloch at the University of Toronto in 1961. They were the first to publish their experimental results into the existence of stem cells in a scientific journal. Till and McCulloch documented the way in which embryonic stem cells differentiate themselves to become mature cell tissue. Their discovery opened the door for others to develop the first medical use of stem cells in bone marrow transplantation for leukemia. Over the next 50 years their early work has led to our current state of medical practice where modern science believes that new treatments for chronic diseases including MS, diabetes, spinal cord injuries and many more disease conditions are just around the corner. For more information please visit http://www.neurosurgeonindia.org/

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Stem cells are “non-special... (Below threshold)

April 4, 2012 11:55 PM | Posted by Leo Voisey: | Reply

Stem cells are “non-specialized” cells that have the potential to form into other types of specific cells, such as blood, muscles or nerves. They are unlike "differentiated" cells which have already become whatever organ or structure they are in the body. Stem cells are present throughout our body, but more abundant in a fetus.
Medical researchers and scientists believe that stem cell therapy will, in the near future, advance medicine dramatically and change the course of disease treatment. This is because stem cells have the ability to grow into any kind of cell and, if transplanted into the body, will relocate to the damaged tissue, replacing it. For example, neural cells in the spinal cord, brain, optic nerves, or other parts of the central nervous system that have been injured can be replaced by injected stem cells. Various stem cell therapies are already practiced, a popular one being bone marrow transplants that are used to treat leukemia. In theory and in fact, lifeless cells anywhere in the body, no matter what the cause of the disease or injury, can be replaced with vigorous new cells because of the remarkable plasticity of stem cells. Biomed companies predict that with all of the research activity in stem cell therapy currently being directed toward the technology, a wider range of disease types including cancer, diabetes, spinal cord injury, and even multiple sclerosis will be effectively treated in the future. Recently announced trials are now underway to study both safety and efficacy of autologous stem cell transplantation in MS patients because of promising early results from previous trials.
History
Research into stem cells grew out of the findings of two Canadian researchers, Dr’s James Till and Ernest McCulloch at the University of Toronto in 1961. They were the first to publish their experimental results into the existence of stem cells in a scientific journal. Till and McCulloch documented the way in which embryonic stem cells differentiate themselves to become mature cell tissue. Their discovery opened the door for others to develop the first medical use of stem cells in bone marrow transplantation for leukemia. Over the next 50 years their early work has led to our current state of medical practice where modern science believes that new treatments for chronic diseases including MS, diabetes, spinal cord injuries and many more disease conditions are just around the corner.
There are a number of sources of stem cells, namely, adult cells generally extracted from bone marrow, cord cells, extracted during pregnancy and cryogenically stored, and embryonic cells, extracted from an embryo before the cells start to differentiate. As to source and method of acquiring stem cells, harvesting autologous adult cells entails the least risk and controversy.
Autologous stem cells are obtained from the patient’s own body; and since they are the patient’s own, autologous cells are better than both cord and embryonic sources as they perfectly match the patient’s own DNA, meaning that they will never be rejected by the patient’s immune system. Autologous transplantation is now happening therapeutically at several major sites world-wide and more studies on both safety and efficacy are finally being announced. With so many unrealized expectations of stem cell therapy, results to date have been both significant and hopeful, if taking longer than anticipated.
What’s been the Holdup?
Up until recently, there have been intense ethical debates about stem cells and even the studies that researchers have been allowed to do. This is because research methodology was primarily concerned with embryonic stem cells, which until recently required an aborted fetus as a source of stem cells. The topic became very much a moral dilemma and research was held up for many years in the US and Canada while political debates turned into restrictive legislation. Other countries were not as inflexible and many important research studies have been taking place elsewhere. Thankfully embryonic stem cells no longer have to be used as much more advanced and preferred methods have superseded the older technologies. While the length of time that promising research has been on hold has led many to wonder if stem cell therapy will ever be a reality for many disease types, the disputes have led to a number of important improvements in the medical technology that in the end, have satisfied both sides of the ethical issue.
CCSVI Clinic
CCSVI Clinic has been on the leading edge of MS treatment for the past several years. We are the only group facilitating the treatment of MS patients requiring a 10-day patient aftercare protocol following neck venous angioplasty that includes daily ultrasonography and other significant therapeutic features for the period including follow-up surgeries if indicated. There is a strict safety protocol, the results of which are the subject of an approved IRB study. The goal is to derive best practice standards from the data. With the addition of ASC transplantation, our research group has now preparing application for member status in International Cellular Medicine Society (ICMS), the globally-active non-profit organization dedicated to the improvement of cell-based medical therapies through education of physicians and researchers, patient safety, and creating universal standards. For more information please visit http://www.neurosurgeonindia.org/

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This is nice. Really love t... (Below threshold)

April 5, 2012 1:04 PM | Posted by pan card application form: | Reply

This is nice. Really love to read that article. Thanks for this ..

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A great explanation of the ... (Below threshold)

April 6, 2012 12:51 AM | Posted by DGS: | Reply

A great explanation of the Abusive boyfriend:

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq50.html

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you give awful advice and y... (Below threshold)

April 13, 2012 1:29 PM | Posted by julie: | Reply

you give awful advice and your articles are so chauvinistic and counter productive. almost everything you right swings an unjustified hatred toward to all of mankind. shitty people is not a male or a female problem, it's a modern human problem. unfortunately, intelligent people get caught up in this shitty person epidemic and go to great lengths to behave exactly like an intelligent, mutant reincarnation of the problem that scarred them. people like you!

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you give awful advice and y... (Below threshold)

April 13, 2012 1:30 PM | Posted by julie: | Reply

you give awful advice and your articles are so chauvinistic and counter productive. almost everything you write swings an unjustified hatred toward to all of mankind. shitty people is not a male or a female problem, it's a modern human problem. unfortunately, intelligent people get caught up in this shitty person epidemic and go to great lengths to behave exactly like an intelligent, mutant reincarnation of the problem that scarred them. people like you!

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David Summers, a 37 year ol... (Below threshold)

June 8, 2012 12:53 AM | Posted by Leo Voisey: | Reply

David Summers, a 37 year old MS patient from Murfreesboro, Tennessee was a score of 8.0 on the Expanded Disability Status Scale (EDSS) when he had the Combination Liberation Therapy and Stem Cell Transplantation at CCSVI Clinic in March of 2012. Having been diagnosed in 1996 he had been in a wheelchair for the past decade without any sensation below the waist or use of his legs.
“It was late 2011 and I didn’t have much future to look forward to” says David. “My MS was getting more progressive and ravaging my body. I was diagnosed as an 8.0 on the EDSS scale; 1 being mild symptoms, 10 being death. There were many new lesions on my optic nerves, in my brain and on my spinal cord. My neurologist just told me: ‘be prepared to deteriorate’. I knew that he was telling me I didn’t have much time left, or at least not much with any quality.” David had previously sought out the liberation therapy in 2010 and had it done in a clinic in Duluth Georgia. “The Interventional Radiologist who did it told me that 50% of all MS patients who have the jugular vein-clearing therapy eventually restenose. I didn’t believe that would happen to me if I could get it done. But I have had MS for 16 years and apparently my veins were pretty twisted up”. Within 90 days, David’s veins had narrowed again, and worse, they were now blocked in even more places than before his procedure.
“I was so happy after my original procedure in 2010. I immediately lost all of the typical symptoms of MS. The cog fog disappeared, my speech came back, the vision in my right eye improved, I was able to regulate my body temperature again, and some of the sensation in my hands came back. But as much as I wanted to believe I felt something, there was nothing below the waist. I kind of knew that I wouldn’t get anything back in my legs. There was just way too much nerve damage now”. But any improvements felt by David lasted for just a few months.
After his relapse, David and his family were frustrated but undaunted. They had seen what opening the jugular veins could do to improve him. Because the veins had closed so quickly after his liberation procedure, they considered another clinic that advocated stent implants to keep the veins open, but upon doing their due diligence, they decided it was just too risky. They kept on searching the many CCSVI information sites that were cropping up on the Internet for something that offered more hope. Finding a suitable treatment, especially where there was no known cure for the disease was also a race against time. David was still suffering new attacks and was definitely deteriorating. Then David’s mother Janice began reading some patient blogs about a Clinic that was offering both the liberation therapy and adult autologous stem cell injections in a series of procedures during a hospital stay. “These patients were reporting a ‘full recovery’ of their neurodegenerative deficits” says Janice, “I hadn’t seen anything like that anywhere else”. She contacted CCSVI Clinic in late 2011 and after a succession of calls with the researchers and surgeons they decided in favor of the combination therapies.
“I went to CCSVI Clinic in India without knowing what to expect” says David, “but I basically had one shot left and this was it. I was becoming pretty disabled, and I couldn’t think very clearly”. David was triaged with a clinic intake of other MS patients and had the liberation therapy on March 27, 2012. They also drew bone marrow from his hip bone in the same procedure. When he woke up from the procedure, he again felt the immediate effect of the widening of the veins. “In case anyone doesn’t believe that the liberation therapy works, I can tell them that this is much more than placebo effect.” The MS symptoms described earlier again disappeared. Four days later he had the first of the stem cell injections from the cultured cells taken from his hip bone during the liberation therapy. The first transplant was injected into the area just below his spine. Over the next 4 days he would receive about 100 million stem cells cultured in specific growth factors for differentiated effect.
He was not quite prepared for what happened next. A few hours after the first transplant, he was taken back into his hospital room and was transferred to the hospital bed. “I’m not completely helpless when it comes to moving from a chair or a bed”, says David, “One of the things I can do for myself is to use my arms to throw my leg into a position to be able to shift the rest of my body weight over to where I’m going. But this time to my amazement, I didn’t have to pick up the dead weight of my leg and throw it. It moved on its own, exactly where my brain told it to go”. Shortly after his first stem cell transplant procedure, some motor function in his lower body had returned. “This was the first time in 10 years I had any sensation or motor function below my waste so it was quite a shock.”
In the next month, most every motor nerve and body function has either returned or is on its way to recovery. “It’s been over a decade since I’ve had any power over my elimination functions. Now it’s all come back. I have total bladder control”. He’s also working out every day, following the physiotherapy routine given him by the clinic. “For years, I haven’t been able to work out without getting sick for a couple of days afterward. Now I have muscles popping out all over the place where I haven’t seen them since my MS became progressive…and I can work out as hard or as much as I want. With my ability to do the hard work my balance is improving each day and I’m able to take steps unassisted. I’m definitely going to be coming all the way back.”
Dr. Av Gupte, the neurosurgeon who has now done over 2000 adult autologous stem cell transplants for various neurologic disease conditions says that the stem cells in David’s body will continue to work their healing process for the next year. “With the incredible progress I’ve seen so far, I won’t need a year”, says David. “It’s only been a little over two months and I have most everything back. I can’t wait to get up each day to check out my improvements. My right hand is completely back to normal without any numbness and the left is on its way. I have good strength in my legs now and I’m working on the balance”.
Other MS patients treated with the combination therapy over the past 18 months have seen similar improvements but none have been as disabled as David. “If I can come back from where I was, most everyone with MS could too. For me, CCSVI Clinic has been my miracle and I can’t say enough about the doctors, researchers and staff who are helping me to recover. For me, MS was my previous diagnosis”.For more information please visit http://www.ccsviclinic.ca/?p=904

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When I read this, I was rem... (Below threshold)

July 17, 2012 5:48 AM | Posted by Ben: | Reply

When I read this, I was reminded me of how I acted towards my last and only girlfriend when I was 19 (I'm 21 now). After getting to the twist, I wondered. Is the disfunction of my ego's perpetuation reflected by the egos of other people? Thats to say, do we bring people into our lives that personify our subconscious ego?

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Chronic cerebrospinal venou... (Below threshold)

August 6, 2012 6:39 AM | Posted by Leo Voisey: | Reply

Chronic cerebrospinal venous insufficiency (CCSVI), or the pathological restriction of venous vessel discharge from the CNS has been proposed by Zamboni, et al, as having a correlative relationship to Multiple Sclerosis. From a clinical perspective, it has been demonstrated that the narrowed jugular veins in an MS patient, once widened, do affect the presenting symptoms of MS and the overall health of the patient. It has also been noted that these same veins once treated, restenose after a time in the majority of cases. Why the veins restenose is speculative. One insight, developed through practical observation, suggests that there are gaps in the therapy protocol as it is currently practiced. In general, CCSVI therapy has focused on directly treating the venous system and the stenosed veins. Several other factors that would naturally affect vein recovery have received much less consideration. As to treatment for CCSVI, it should be noted that no meaningful aftercare protocol based on evidence has been considered by the main proponents of the ‘liberation’ therapy (neck venoplasty). In fact, in all of the clinics or hospitals examined for this study, patients weren’t required to stay in the clinical setting any longer than a few hours post-procedure in most cases. Even though it has been observed to be therapeutically useful by some of the main early practitioners of the ‘liberation’ therapy, follow-up, supportive care for recovering patients post-operatively has not seriously been considered to be part of the treatment protocol. To date, follow-up care has primarily centered on when vein re-imaging should be done post-venoplasty. The fact is, by that time, most patients have restenosed (or partially restenosed) and the follow-up Doppler testing is simply detecting restenosis and retrograde flow in veins that are very much deteriorated due to scarring left by the initial procedure. This article discusses a variable approach as to a combination of safe and effective interventional therapies that have been observed to result in enduring venous drainage of the CNS to offset the destructive effects of inflammation and neurodegeneration, and to regenerate disease damaged tissue.
As stated, it has been observed that a number of presenting symptoms of MS almost completely vanish as soon as the jugulars are widened and the flows equalize in most MS patients. Where a small number of MS patients have received no immediate benefit from the ‘liberation’ procedure, flows in subject samples have been shown not to have equalized post-procedure in these patients and therefore even a very small retrograde blood flow back to the CNS can offset the therapeutic benefits. Furthermore once the obstructed veins are further examined for hemodynamic obstruction and widened at the point of occlusion in those patients to allow full drainage, the presenting symptoms of MS retreat. This noted observation along with the large number of MS patients who have CCSVI establish a clear association of vein disease with MS, although it is clearly not the disease ‘trigger’.For more information please visit http://www.ccsviclinic.ca/?p=978

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I have major clinical depre... (Below threshold)

September 15, 2012 10:05 PM | Posted by Jude: | Reply

I have major clinical depression. If I'm going to forever ruminate, I might as well ruminate on something more productive.

I think reading this article has helped me. Thank you.

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Your site is wonderful. I’m... (Below threshold)

September 26, 2012 10:02 AM | Posted by rickyadam : | Reply

Your site is wonderful. I’m so satisfied to have discovered you.I appreciate to this one.

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Your site is wonderful. I’m... (Below threshold)

September 26, 2012 10:05 AM | Posted by rickyadam : | Reply

Your site is wonderful. I’m so satisfied to have discovered you.I appreciate to this one.

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This post also serves as an... (Below threshold)

December 20, 2012 10:04 PM | Posted by Gabriel: | Reply

This post also serves as an explanation for Guy Ritchie's Revolver.

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Aaaaand, this used to be me... (Below threshold)

February 21, 2013 12:48 PM | Posted by Orionxl: | Reply

Aaaaand, this used to be me until I learned to adequately hate my life enough to change.

God, what a dickhead I was. Totally different from the dickhead I am now, far less palatable.

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Oh man! I wanna get down on... (Below threshold)

April 22, 2013 11:20 PM | Posted by Anshu: | Reply

Oh man! I wanna get down on my knees and blow you! or whatever else you'd prefer. . having said that,.... how does one avoid these traps? How can one make progress?

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Change.... (Below threshold)

January 7, 2014 8:00 PM | Posted, in reply to Lise's comment, by John: | Reply

Change.

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I want to use this opportun... (Below threshold)

January 20, 2014 10:47 PM | Posted by Caitlin: | Reply

I want to use this opportunity to thank drstanleyspelltemple@hotmail.com for helping me get my lover back after he left me few months ago. I have sent friends and my brothers to beg him for me but he refused and said that it is all over between both of us but when I met this Dr. Stanley, he told me to relaxed that every thing will be fine and after three days and contacted him, I got my man back......Caitlin

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Why is that women stay with... (Below threshold)

March 25, 2014 4:48 AM | Posted by Stacy W: | Reply

Why is that women stay with their abusers? A little less than two years ago, I certainly couldn’t have told you the answer to that question. Now I can. And that’s because I did.

I’ll never be able to pinpoint the exact moment when my relationship with Brett Gyllenskog started to become unhealthy. It could have been as early as the moment I met him. It could have been the first time he criticized my weight. It could have been when he started controlling who I could hang out with. It could have even been the very first time he called me a “stupid slut.” Really, at this point it all becomes a big blur full of screaming, name calling, and suicidal threats, not to mention one very unhealthy pattern of fighting and making up.

With each fight, the emotional abuse became worse and worse. With each honeymoon period that followed, he’d tell me things would be different this time around and I would always believe him because I thought that our love could conquer anything. Eventually, I became convinced that I was just lucky to stand in his presence. I did anything that I possibly could to prove to him that I was worthy of his love. I gave him every single penny of the mere $100 biweekly paycheck that I earned at my student job. I stopped talking to people he didn’t want me to talk to. I ditched classes to drive an hour so I could bring him lunch at work, just to turn around and drive straight back home to school. No matter what I did, it never seemed to be enough. I was always too fat, too loud, too needy, too slutty, too something.

I guess the reason that I’m thinking about all of this is because I’ve recently been pressured by my current boyfriend to take out a restraining order so that Brett will stop sending me harassing text messages. This would involve me going down to the Cache County court house to file for it, giving a copy to the Cache County Sheriff’s Office to serve to him, digging up phone records of said messages, and then presenting my evidence against him in a civil hearing in which he will be in attendance.

And I guess maybe this doesn’t sound like a big deal to someone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship. But to me, Brett still seems 50 feet tall and I still feel like I’m 6 inches. It’s not that I admire him; it’s just that I’ve been so accustomed to thinking of the two of us in this metaphor for almost two years. It’s the equivalent of conquering a giant to me. It’s overwhelming and seems impossible and I just don’t feel ready to do that yet.

I’ve made a lot of progress since I left Brett, and I’ll continue to do so. I’m just not ready to stand up and face this particular demon yet. I don’t know if I’m wrong to ask my boyfriend to stop putting pressure on me to file the court order. I don’t know how to explain where I’m coming from in this situation. I feel like unless you’ve been abused like this, you can never really understand the long-term implications and effects of it. The only thing I do know is that I’m not ready to face Brett in a courtroom. I’m not even ready to look at him or hear his voice. Just because I’m getting better doesn’t mean I’m back to the person that I used to be yet.

So why do women stay with their abusers? I can’t really speak for all victims of domestic abuse, but I know why I did for over a year. I did it because I didn’t think I was strong enough to leave. For me, it wasn’t that I’d never considered leaving; I said to other people numerous times that I knew the relationship had become unhealthy. I knew that if I didn’t get out of it, the relationship would continue to consume me until the only thing left was a thin emotional skeleton of what I used to be. I stayed because Brett had convinced me that I wasn’t strong enough to leave him. It took me months to finally leave after that. Despite me knowing I needed to do it and despite my best friends telling me that I had to do it, it was something I had to do on my own time. I think that might be the case here again. I have to wait until I feel strong enough to face him again, because until then I won’t win any kind of battle against him, in court or otherwise.

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Thank you so much for this.... (Below threshold)

April 6, 2014 3:32 AM | Posted by Megan: | Reply

Thank you so much for this. It really hit home. My husband pulled this up for me to read because he said he thought about us when he read it. I'm guilty of this and it makes me feel good to know that I'm not the only one.

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You just totally missed the... (Below threshold)

April 6, 2014 1:19 PM | Posted, in reply to Stacy W's comment, by le ebin mene: | Reply

You just totally missed the point of this article and made it about yourself. This isn't some self actualization bullshit or about defining bad lovers or even about relationships. This about you the bullshit you create to self perpetuate more bullshit. Stop making your life's story about Brett, it's clear by your 'narrative' that he still has all the power. You stay with abusers because you can't overcome yourself and throw out the trash or even see it for what it is. just read his last paragraph because this is what this article boils down to. The whole "boyfriend" scenario is a physical manifestation and it's very telling you interpreted it to have meaning outside of a mere tool to demonstrate something.

Good luck with life :D

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So why do women st... (Below threshold)

April 7, 2014 3:38 PM | Posted, in reply to Stacy W's comment, by jonny: | Reply

So why do women stay with their abusers?

Why are you still friends with your mother?

No one has ever, will ever or could ever abuse you more than she has. Maybe women stay with their abusers because they respect them? Their abusers treat them like a piece of shit. When you know you're a piece of shit, and there's a guy so stupid he thinks you're the best thing that ever happened to him and another guy that treats you like a piece of shit, there must be a degree of contempt for the former and a degree of respect for the latter.

Maybe that's why you're still friends with your mother.

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