7 Things To Expect In Our Brave New World
Financial turmoil directed by CNBC; a U.S. Presidential election so important that they are running a guy no one really ever wanted vs. a guy no one's ever heard of in an election subtitled "More of The Same vs. Less Of Everything." May you live in interesting times.
Here are five other things you don't want that are coming:
1. The return of pubic hair and mustaches.
The good times go with no hair; the bad times go with more hair. I don't like it any more than you do, but we're about to be bombarded with Starsky and Hutch look-a-likes and the totally earnest use of the phrase "luxurious bush." I'm going to go throw up now.
2. Fashion trends:
2a. Dressing like elves.
As in the Hobbit, not Keebler. Brown boots, green leggings and oversized shirts/sweaters doubling as skirts.
2b. Hose.
Just as society finally recovered from the 50 year self-mutilation called pantyhose-- even the WSJ debated whether it was still required for the office-- it will soon be making a comeback. If anyone in the fashion industry is reading this, stop killing your children. No one should be wearing pantyhose unless they're about to rob a bank. Please, I beg you all, stop this.
3. Another terrorist attack: February 2009.
Maybe I'm cynical, but has anyone noticed recessions are ended by wars? And that the S&P 500 closed yesterday, October 7, 2008, at the same point it did ten years ago, October 7, 1998? Which was also the historical low of the LTCM disaster?
Most recently 1989 S&L bailout lead to Gulf War I; and the scary similarity between the S&P500 pre 9/11 and now:
which was cured by Gulf War 2 in 2003... Do we get another attack to bring us down, then a war at S&P 800? Early, to test a new President's resolve? Stay tuned. I hope President Obama is ready.
Of course, it could be domestic terrorism/riots/Presidential assassination attempt, which unfortunately seems likely as well.
4. Conspiracy Theories: Like the above! Many of you will not be old enough to remember how the Nasca Lines, Lost Civilizations, Cryptobiology, JFK and Egyptology are connected, but they most assuredly are, as Mr. Spock explained to us, in 168 episodes of shroomy genius. And Erich von Daniken wrote 20+ books while the economy was crippled with stagflation.
5. Wrestling. Pick any show that's been running from 1995 to now. So many of them have seen ratings trend lower, except the WWE (formerly WWF before the panda patrol got testy.)
There was a surge when The Rock and Stone Cold were on, but ignoring that period ratings have been stable for over a decade. And that doesn't account for growth in Europe.
As people lose their jobs and look for a choreographed release of their frustrations and prejudices, one might be tempted to smell what you know who is cooking. And the stock, also stable between 13-19 (now 15) now pays a 9.7% dividend. Take that Bank of America!
When your kid endows body parts with political significance and then tombstones his brother, you'll know I was right.
6. Mercantilism. Enough said.
7. Secular humanism. In case your last experience with it was high school, let me point out that this is a bad thing, not a good thing. Yes, it's wonderful to have an ethical system free of religious foundation and therefore premised in reason, or something, but what happens when the humanist's "reason" is in sharp contrast to the "reason" of the humanist with the tanks?
It also overlooks the historically indisputable point that human(ist)s like killing each other and themselves, and will do so with little provocation. Indeed, many actively seek out reasons to open fire. "We are no better than they are" (and why isn't that ever, "they are no better than we are?") is a popular refrain among those who haven't been on the wrong end of the not any worse they, but it makes choosing sides a lot more difficult when, well, you have to choose sides. And if the S&P500 chart is any indication, we're going to be needing to choose some sides pretty soon.
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Did you know Julian Huxley, eugenecist and brother of the author Aldous, was once an American Humanist Association's "Humanist of The Year?" So were Kurt Vonnegut, Margaret Atwood, Benjamin Spock, Isaac Asimov, Betty Friedan and John Kenneth Galbraith. Do you see the connection? They're all science fiction writers.
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October 8, 2008 5:53 PM | Posted by : | Reply
"Brown boots, green leggings and oversized shirts/sweaters doubling as skirts," wow, I'm not gonna look much worse in this outfit than I did in the 70's. How can you knock green leggings and brown boots? I concede that there are problems the oversized shirts/sweaters doubling as skirts but you can't have everything.
Alone's response: I just added another one to the list...
Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
October 8, 2008 6:16 PM | Posted by : | Reply
Historically religious people like to kill each other too. Science fiction writers who are secular don't scare me like the ones who start religions do.
Score: 7 (7 votes cast)
October 8, 2008 8:40 PM | Posted by : | Reply
Alone: seek help. Seriously. You said recently this is the first time you've been scared? Well, you're not handling it gracefully.
Seek help, or get yourself a sandwich board and bullhorn and pick a street corner.
Score: -1 (5 votes cast)
October 9, 2008 12:32 AM | Posted by : | Reply
You are a hilarious drunk dude.
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October 9, 2008 2:20 AM | Posted by : | Reply
Where did you get your list of past American Humanist Association presidents? According to the AHA's website, some of those people were awarded "Humanist of the Year" by the organization, but weren't actually president. Here's the list of presidents:
http://www.americanhumanist.org/about/pres-aha.php
Alone's response: you are absolutely right, I read it wrong. Post fixed.
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
October 9, 2008 2:26 AM | Posted by : | Reply
OK, no bikini waxing and more Asimov and Vonnegut. Uh, this is not exactly terrifying me. Instead it sounds like a nice relaxing weekend with some good books.
The rest of it is well taken.
Score: 5 (5 votes cast)
October 9, 2008 2:30 AM | Posted by : | Reply
Sorry for double posting, but I meant to say also: you're right, of course. . .Humanism, just like many other things, is great in theory, but what actually ends up happening in application can leave something to be desired.
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
October 9, 2008 10:12 AM | Posted by : | Reply
Oy vey, I already dress that way, and so do many of my friends.
Regarding how you hate pantyhose, have pity on those of us who have veins on our legs and cannot afford laser or surgery to remove them. Given the financial climate, many of us are in that situation.
I would welcome a return to the 1970s if we could see the following:
1)A new equivalent of the Watergate hearings.
2) Popular music that is tuneful and actually has coherant language.
3) High quality movies and TV that goes for the jugular, such as All in the Family and Maude.
4) A return of feminism based on a fair days wage for a fair day's work and not endless theorizing of interest only to the upper class intellectual elite.
5) Ingraining frugal consumption habits in teenagers--it was a lot cheaper to be a teen in the early to mid seventies than today, even in LA, where I grew up. Only expensive gadget we all considered indispensible was the pocket calculator.
Score: 5 (7 votes cast)
October 9, 2008 3:42 PM | Posted by : | Reply
Come hang out sometime - filthyrichmond.com
Score: -1 (1 votes cast)
October 9, 2008 4:19 PM | Posted by : | Reply
*cough*
There were only 80 (tops) episodes of Star Trek.
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October 9, 2008 4:43 PM | Posted by : | Reply
You made some great points. No doubt will the Federal Reserve orchestrate yet another war to lean one step closer to a one world government.
Makes me sick knowing George Bush and the Federal Reserve were responsible for 9/11.
There will definitely be an assassination attempt on Obama, because a majority of people who voted for bush are racists. Although, the assassination attempt will come from inside, meaning the government will be responsible.
You only have to look back to the previous presidential assassinations don't you? I mean all of the presidents that have been killed were the ones who were trying to change things up for the better, and be a peoples president, not a bankers one.
Score: -3 (5 votes cast)
October 10, 2008 9:35 AM | Posted by : | Reply
In addition to the return of mustaches and pubic hair
let us add:
Wide lapels on men's suits, wide neckties, tight pants, and for casual dress, shirts open down the front to reveal male chest hair.
Pick up lines like 'Hey baby, what's your sign?' and 'Come here often?'
I am also tempted to predict a fad for gold chains (with or without cocaine sniffing gadgets) as a male fashion accessory, but not until gold prices undergo a substantial drop.
And if we see a return of disco, polyester leisure suits for men and midi skirts for women (which would be a boon for those of us deep, deep into middle age)--then yes, the Seventies are back.
By the time matters reach this point, LP may have chosen to leave the country.
Score: 0 (2 votes cast)
October 10, 2008 9:38 AM | Posted by : | Reply
And I have a paranoid hunch that the US is finally lobbing missiles into the North West Fronteir Province of Pakistan in hope of being able to bump off Osama bin Laden and or Zawahiri and
claim them as trophies to boost credibility for the Bush Administration--an attempt to distract us from the outcome of 8 years of dismal and ghastly mismanagement and corruption.
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
October 10, 2008 3:13 PM | Posted by : | Reply
Does the old comment about when your shoe shine boy starts giving you stock advice hold true for an internet psychiatrist?
And I'm sure you wouldn't happen to have stock in the above mentioned wrestling company now would you.
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
October 13, 2008 2:51 PM | Posted by : | Reply
What's your beef with pantyhose? it seems somewhat of an unusual fixation for a guy.
Score: 1 (3 votes cast)
October 13, 2008 7:45 PM | Posted by : | Reply
Hose != pantyhose. I won't give you more details unless you really want to know.
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October 21, 2008 10:47 AM | Posted by : | Reply
Especially agree with the 3.
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December 18, 2008 1:59 PM | Posted by : | Reply
What IS your beef with pantyhose? If you don't personally care for it, don't wear it. There are those of us who find pantyhose (or tights, their tougher sisters) both comfortable and attractive. I wear them summer and winter for increased comfort. You don't like them? Don't wear them. It seems to me as if "fear" is not exactly called for here. Ditto pubic hair; if you want to continue waxing, by all means, continue to do so; people who don't want to, won't. Same can be said for facial hair; I like it on many men, not so many women. If you don't care for it, what's stopping you from shaving?
I'm with Sally; again, if you don't want to wear green leggings and brown boots - or even brown leggings and GREEN boots - then don't. There is nothing inherently wrong with them in and of themselves, OR in combination. And for the folks who like the LOTR look, it's a wonderful time. Some folks rock Dior's New Look with pearls, some are boot-and-legging girls. Sometimes it's the same person on different days.
What frightens you so much about other people having more choices, even if they're not the choices you care for?
Score: 1 (3 votes cast)
June 21, 2009 4:58 PM | Posted by : | Reply
February 2009 came and gone, no attack. Sorry, I guess..
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
June 21, 2010 1:51 AM | Posted by : | Reply
"what happens when the humanist's "reason" is in sharp contrast to the "reason" of the humanist with the tanks"
"we're going to be needing to choose some sides pretty soon."
I love it when I don't even need to spell out the point.
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
October 9, 2010 5:06 AM | Posted by : | Reply
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Score: -2 (2 votes cast)
March 29, 2013 5:19 AM | Posted by : | Reply
Weel, what do you know. Dressing like elves, hose and secular humanism were sound guesses.
I don't know about the others.
Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
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