June 3, 2010

Sex In The City 2

200px-A_team_poster_10.jpg
dum dum dum-dum, dum dum da-dum


Sex And The City 2 is not the worst movie ever made, because it is not actually a movie, it is a 2.5 hour Bin Laden tape entitled, "Why We Hate You."  Fifteen minutes into this recruitment video I hit up twitter:

thelastpsych @alqaeda whats ur paypal? I want in  I also have drug pens and wicked sneaks

thelastpsych d alqaeda can u pick me up at the airport?  or can meet you at Tony's

thelastpsych d alqaeda on 2nd thought dont bother, in a generation we'll be extinct

alqaeda @thelastpsych @abiliquel @speidi @bananasplits @axlrose @bjclinton @chrisnoth  IF THIS IS IN RESPONSE TO THE MOVIE, THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST.  WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES.  PLEASE TRY AGAIN TOMORROW.

thelastpsych @alqaeda noobs get on teamspeak i'll be on after work 



This movie was prohibitively terrible, even though I paid for my ticket, I still had to sneak into the theatre.  Think about that.   "I'm really here for the A-Team," I told the usher.   "I bought the wrong ticket for my hot girlfriend, who's at the bar ordering Grasshoppers that are not for me at all."

He took a deep breath and puffed his cheeks out, exhausted.  "Keep your hands where we can see 'em, wildman,  this is a family joint.  And leave the London Fog in the car."


II.

You may be aware that the gals, courtesy of Samantha's recession-proof job as something vague go on an all expenses paid trip to Abu Dhabi, which is also recession proof, even though, of course, it's not.  There's no evidence of a recession anywhere in the movie because BORING.

Here's what's weird: the government of Abu Dhabi wouldn't let them film the movie there, so they instead filmed it in Morocco.  But they left it as Abu Dhabi in the story.  I'm pretty sure the average SATC viewer does not know the difference between Morocco and Abu Ghraib, let alone Abu Dhabi,  so why the pretense?  I'm not trying to be funny, I'm sure they can see that the letters spell different words, but if I asked anyone in that theatre if Abu Ghraib was the capital of Morocco, you don't think they'd have to call Facebook if it wasn't the other way around?   

Samantha: Doesn't Abu mean "penis" in Middle Eastern?
Carrie: I thought it meant "something gay."
Charlotte: I think I may be gay in real life.
Miranda: No, that's me, you're confusing your characters.  You're the girl that all straight guys say they'd do if Al Qaeda forced them to choose.  The dark haired innocent and naive one.  
Bin Laden:  You've also aged the best out of all of them.  There's probably a moral there, but it got lost in all the crotch shots.


australian rugby.jpg


III.

I'm pretty sure Matthew Broderick is not gay, because no woman married to a gay man would appear in a movie where gays are forced to play 8 year old school girls.  The movie features a gay wedding that is completely incomprehensible on any level.  Right off the bat: the two "brooms" (yeah) have always hated each other, but can still get married because they don't have complicated emotions like 40 year old white women.

Carrie: My life has become much less gay since I got married.
Brooms: If we overlook a decade of animosity and get married, would you come to the wedding to be the center of attention?
Carrie: It would be my pleasure.  

And why is Liza Minnelli in the wedding?  Why is she singing Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies?"    IT'S A GAY WEDDING BETWEEN TWO GAY MEN.  Why is Carrie in a man's tux?  That doesn't make any sense, they're gay, not transvestites.  But for an audience that concedes, "Abu Dhabi/Morocco, what's the diff?" such questions are clearly beyond the point, the point being that the gals lead fun, exciting lives, reality be damned.  Walk into any 20 something bar in America and the semi-drunk girls in the corner have at some point played "If we were in Sex and The City, I'd be______" and it never occurs to any of them that that game is the very reason they're on Cymbalta.

The movie isn't just an affront to homosexuals, it's an affront to stereotypes of homosexuals.  If you're looking to see a movie where two gay men with infinite leisure time lounge fully dressed on someone else's bed and ooh and ahh while an ex-Chud tries on different unflattering outfits, then I suggest inpatient. 

But the wedding isn't for the couple, of course, its sole purpose is to give Carrie the opportunity to reflect on her own married life.  She relates every second the wedding to what's going on in her head.  Not obtrusively or egotistically, but quietly, with a smile, so you get the false impression she's happy for the couple.  Is it impossible for Giappetto's first attempt to engage the world without making it completely about herself? 

Maybe the gay wedding was the director's little attempt at progressivism,  "we at SATC2 support the right of gays to get married!" but does no one think it a little weird that they support the right to do what Carrie et al obviously think is a bad idea for themselves?

Charlotte: My gay friend is marrying your gay friend!
Carrie: Just when you thought everyone you knew was too old to get married, here come the gays!

That's a real quote.  What does that even mean?

IV.

Still, you have to give them credit for taking the movie out of New York.  Got to find fresh meat, I guess.  I understand that part of the allure of travel is the opportunity to sleep with exotic people native to that land, believe me, I get it.   Have you ever slept with a Hungarian in Budapest?  A Botswanian in Gaborone?  An Egyptian in Alexandria? A Russian in Brighton Beach?  A Texan in Houston?  I've done all those things and more, and my evaluation of intercontinental travel is HELL YEAH.

But these four don't even notice the Moroccans around them, unless they are waiters.  Not because three are married, of course, HA! dummy, that just means you're not allowed to wear a condom.  No, they don't notice the natives because for these idiots, the Middle East is nothing but a backdrop, a set, it may as well just be a green screen.  What men do catch their eye?  An American ex-boyfriend, the Australian Rugby Team, and a Portugese explorer named Rikhart who for the purposes of the movie had to be from Scandinavia/The Netherlands/what's the diff?
 

V.

There is a positive lesson in Sex And The City 2, and it is this: spending thousands on shoes, beautiful designer clothes and accessories doesn't make you look better, sometimes it merely highlights your comparative ugliness.  The juxtaposition is too jarring for an unsuspecting and unmedicated person to handle.  Say you're looking at the ground of a busy sidewalk, and you say, "oh, look, those are a pair of really beautiful Christian Louboutin shoes and HOLY JESUS IT'S MR TUMNUS!"

For comparison, take a look at this man:


lloyd_blankfein-.jpg


His tie, shirt, and haircut are each individually of better quality than my eyes, and cost more.   But you wouldn't have thought him any more attractive than if he was standing in a bathrobe on top of a toll booth peeing on convertibles as they passed below.   Here he is dressed for a battle of wits:


vizzini.jpg

No difference.  Save your money.

"But I'm not dressing this way for men, I'm doing it for myself."  Yes.  That's the whole problem right there.


VI.

What I was going to do is talk about how SATC appeals to the heteronormative standards applied to American women in much the same way as the the A-Team movie appeals to men.  SATC reinforces the role of women as spendthrift, gossipy, superficial, entitled, playful, and non serious.  A-Team reinforces the notion that men should be capable, charming, rough and tough, funny, effective, etc.

But then I thought about how the plots of SATC and the A-Team actually converge into the same movie.  See, what happens is that the girls go to Abu Dhabi where their wacky vaginas get them into yet another jam with the religious police, so it falls to the A-Team to weld a hat on a duck and bust them out.  Murdoch disguised in a burqa hacks a/the computer and they crash their van into the Dome of the Rock to launch their surprise attack.  Faceman then sweet talks all the gay arab clerics, B.A. shoots evil mastermind Manolo Blahnik in the foot, the duck recovers the vaginas, and cars flip over and explode but the drivers crawl out.  Finally, at the culmination of a daring helicopter dogfight, Hannibal releases the girls from their prison cell in the Nordstrom Rack high atop the Burj Dubai.  "I love it when a plan comes together," says Hannibal, and kicks Samatha off the roof. Fin.

---

http://twitter.com/thelastpsych
 














Comments

One thing bothers me: If it... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 11:48 AM | Posted by Alex-5: | Reply

One thing bothers me: If it's that bad (and it's no surprise, it was going to be "that bad") why did you bother watching?

Slashing yourself with a knife will definatelly hurt, so why bother checking, Alone?

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (19 votes cast)
I gotta wonder what kind of... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 12:07 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

I gotta wonder what kind of steriotypical gays are monagamous anyways.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 2 (22 votes cast)
the show is called Sex AND ... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 12:25 PM | Posted by Sammy: | Reply

the show is called Sex AND the City.

I haven't seen the second one but my favorite part of the first movie is where Charlotte shits her pants because she drank Mexico water. It was almost slapstick and for a change, made the movie seem (a bit) more realistic.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -6 (12 votes cast)
Going for the low hanging f... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 1:27 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Going for the low hanging fruit? Sex and the City 2 is a bad movie. Wow, really makes you think.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -2 (22 votes cast)
True, the show and movies a... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 1:43 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

True, the show and movies are drek. Silly people fretting over silly expectations. As bad as it may be, I still prefer having the option to sneak into the theater, compared to living under a theocracy which bans almost all media. Would another Sister Act or Left Behind placate Osama, anyway?

The man knows problems when he sees them, but he's short on solutions.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -5 (21 votes cast)
The man knows ... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 1:57 PM | Posted by Charles: | Reply

The man knows problems when he sees them, but he's short on solutions.

He offered, no one wants to listen. And if you need someone else to tell you...well, maybe that's as good a place to start as any.

Also, this line cracked me up:

Walk into any 20 something bar in America and the semi-drunk girls in the corner have at some point played "If we were in Sex and The City, I'd be______" and it never occurs to any of them that that game is the very reason they're on Cymbalta.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 14 (16 votes cast)
Sneaking into the theater? ... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 2:00 PM | Posted by Alex-5: | Reply

Sneaking into the theater? Justifying yourself before the usher? What are you talking about, people? Ain't that too much care about your identity (equals pure narcissism)?

Besides, you look at it the wrong way. The fact you brag about the movie only ups it's rating. It's noting more than a movie: some guy with money wanted to shoot a film by HIS OWN scenario, no matter how mad - it's his movie and his money. Nobody makes you buy the ticket.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -8 (16 votes cast)
You've bested the giant and... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 2:42 PM | Posted by Brian Driggs: | Reply

You've bested the giant and the spaniard and have developed an immunity to iocane powder, haven't you?

INCONTHIEVABLE!

*loved this post

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 5 (7 votes cast)
Very entertaining. Perfect... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 3:23 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Very entertaining. Perfect tone for those looking for cultural commentary. Like the form.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 1 (3 votes cast)
When I am president my firs... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 3:36 PM | Posted by Andrew T Ator: | Reply

When I am president my first order of business will be to commission the first female special operations forces. Send in the strippers. Lots and lots of strippers.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -3 (7 votes cast)
hilarious. You are a maste... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 5:07 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

hilarious. You are a master.

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This post definitely goes v... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 6:05 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

This post definitely goes very well with Ebert's absolute evisceration of the movie from an entertainment critic standpoint: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100525/REVIEWS/100529986/1023

Overall, it's frustrating as an atypical gay male with plenty of atypical gay male friends to deal with this type of bullshit being peddled as if it is the norm. No wonder my mother was so depressed when I talked to her after she went to see Sex and the City :-p if she thinks this is what my life is like.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 9 (11 votes cast)
Wow. So fiction is no good?... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 8:34 PM | Posted by Wonders: | Reply

Wow. So fiction is no good? Or just this fiction? Or the concept of fiction? Or only fiction written by a child whose never seen the world so its untainted and not a tool of the man? Is it that SATC2 didn't have a moral based on some value that you or the other great fiction deemed worthy? I'm just wondering, just trying to understand where your point is? Are you saying it was a fictional movie that reinforced stereotypes and that is bad for Society? Can fiction be anything other than propped by stereotypical depictions of characters? Is there anything, an event or person that isn't stereotypical in someone's view? Or perhaps its me who should lighten up cause you were having yourself a little fictional creativity? but then this is a blog that sends out some very serious messages mixed in with stuff like this... so your moral is nothing is serious all the time.... Really? fiction is bad??

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None of the above. Actually... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 9:01 PM | Posted, in reply to Wonders's comment, by Matt: | Reply

None of the above. Actually, the whole purpose of the post was to point out that the Goldman Sachs guy and Vizzini are the same person. (Housing prices will fall? INCONCEIVABLE!)

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 8 (10 votes cast)
I'm guessing you watched th... (Below threshold)

June 3, 2010 9:46 PM | Posted by greenpad: | Reply

I'm guessing you watched that movie just so you could write about it. So, thanks for spending $10 on us :)

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 13 (13 votes cast)
This review reminds me of y... (Below threshold)

June 4, 2010 1:16 AM | Posted by Vince: | Reply

This review reminds me of your catchphrase.

If you're watching it, it's for you.

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It makes perfect sense: the... (Below threshold)

June 4, 2010 1:28 AM | Posted, in reply to Matt's comment, by MH: | Reply

It makes perfect sense: the Goldman Sachs guy is the Grand Nagus!

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SatC makes my eyeballs blee... (Below threshold)

June 4, 2010 11:41 AM | Posted by Mae: | Reply

SatC makes my eyeballs bleed. HOWEVER. I would totally, totally watch the movie you described at the end of your blog, as would the vast majority of your readers.

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Wonders - fiction is fine. ... (Below threshold)

June 4, 2010 2:01 PM | Posted by jen: | Reply

Wonders - fiction is fine. The point is that this is *BAD FICTION*. No plot. No point. Unlikeable, incomprehensible characters doing incomprehensible things, set in an exotic locale simply because the backdrop will look good on a big screen....

And then uncritical, unthinking people who grew up buying the idea that this is what the life of a glamorous, adult woman is like - well, those people wonder why they've failed to obtain the life they deserve, or they scramble to live that life and wonder why it doesn't make them happy.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 9 (9 votes cast)
You sir, are a genius. ... (Below threshold)

June 4, 2010 2:30 PM | Posted by A.: | Reply

You sir, are a genius.

Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (4 votes cast)
Sure, but seriously we've g... (Below threshold)

June 4, 2010 11:56 PM | Posted, in reply to jen's comment, by Wonders: | Reply

Sure, but seriously we've got bigger problems if people believe what they see in a movie of a chick that has how many wardrobe changes?? is the real life that they not in her money position should aspire to and be devastated when they look around and see their reality. It is fictionally created story. It lives in storyland.

So dont sell knives because the unthinking, uncritical person might use them to cut something other than ....?

I get where Alone is coming from use your eyes and look at the world. I LIKE THIS BLOG, but saying that the SATC2 movie had a responsibility to "correctly" (as loaded as that word is" shape anyone's perception of society is like saying that Harry Potter irresponsibly told kids they could fly on invisible skeleton creatures.

Where are we allowing ourselves to place responsibility? that was my point.

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Well it's easy to say. Of c... (Below threshold)

June 5, 2010 6:18 AM | Posted, in reply to Wonders's comment, by Alex-5: | Reply

Well it's easy to say. Of course we shouldn't buy into this bullshit. But the way human brain works it's not possible: one frame of the movie contains hell lot of information, let's say about 300 objects, their purpose, their colours, their unique features, etc. That lot of info cannot be interpreted solely by our consciousness, so about 85% of it is interpreted by our subconsciousness, without our control, interpertation based on stereotypes. And that is where we fail and believe that we should fill our wardrobes with the stuff we don't need.

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So, 17-year-old girls are g... (Below threshold)

June 5, 2010 8:41 AM | Posted, in reply to Wonders's comment, by jen: | Reply

So, 17-year-old girls are going to count the wardrobe changes and go "oh, okay, if there's more than 20 wardrobe changes in 4 days, that's unrealistic"? Most of them are not thinking about how big the suitcases would have to be, or how much those outfits cost. They're thinking "I want that scarf. I would look better than her in that dress." And then they grow a few years older, get an entry-level job where they are told they should "dress for success" and they have an image of Miranda in their head when they think about how a successful woman dresses. And when they see the price tag on those clothes, they think (much like a lot of college students do) that this is an investment in the future, and that going into debt for this investment is an acceptable, expected way of reaching that future.

But I never said the movie has some responsibility to get the world "right". I don't believe in censorship. I do believe that people who think the movie was ridiculous dreck have the right to say so, and widely. And the wardrobe issues are only one small part of the reason why this movie is ridiculous dreck, according to every review I've read.

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Has it occurred to anybody ... (Below threshold)

June 5, 2010 10:23 AM | Posted by Joyce James: | Reply

Has it occurred to anybody that the articles comparing this film to a "terrorist recruitment video" (and many have said that, it is undoubtedly an unflattering portrait of America) and bashing actually generate more press for the film, more ticket sales for a pile of garbage? Oh, the oil gush continues on, the environment becomes more and more fucked up every day but whee! I'm off to enjoy me some hollywood escapism! What's fucked up is not that these films get made (they've always been made, in some form, remember all the fancy-ass movies made during the great depression? I remember being evicted from our home when I was 16, and b/c I was too young to understand the irony I read Fitzgerald, escaping into fake riches on the page, too young to dig that the folks in these stories were DESPERATELY unhappy!) but that the viewing audiences see them as something to relate to, aspire to! Why is a 17 year old girl getting her motivating worldview and aspirational goals from a shitty fucking movie existing only to pump up the sales of designer shoes? Because nobody else in her fucking life has opened up other avenues of education! Change the world and you change the culture. I'm just afraid that this change will come at the expense of hundreds of innocent lives, as the oil gushes forth and the rich get richer.

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