December 13, 2009

I Am Tiger Woods, Part 1

tiger woods.JPG
my next endorsement will be from adidas

Question: why would any of these women sleep with Tiger Woods?

"Well, because he's TigerWoods.  Maybe they do it for the story, for their ego; maybe they do it because they think he might give them gifts or money; maybe they think he might marry them..."

So it couldn't possibly be because they like him?  That had they not known about his fame and money, they still would have gone to bed with him?

"Of course not.  Not those girls."

I see.  Do you think he doesn't know that?


Assume Tiger was not married.  Describe the woman you think would love him "for him."  For whom Tiger's fame and wealth plays no part at all, who would have loved him even if he was a shoe salesman.  Which modeling agency would she have been with?  Oh.

Would Elin Nordegren have married him if he was just Tiger Woods, not TigerWoods?

What do you think Tiger Woods thinks?


Would these women have slept with him if he was half as rich and half as famous?  How about 1/4?  At what point would he have been insufficiently rich or famous for them? 

Yet it is entirely safe to assume these women have slept with other men who were neither famous nor rich.  So why did Tiger have to be TigerWoods to get them?

Do you think Tiger Woods doesn't wonder this?

Stop reading here.  You should go get a glass of water.  Take a nap, watch a music video, there's a catchy one I quite like by Akon/David Guetta.  Come back when you've thought this through.


It may, or may not, be true that these women are golddiggers, "whores", or only interested in him because he is famous; but it is absolutely a fact that these women could be seduced by a man who isn't famous or rich.

The reason this is absolutely, incontrovertibly a fact is that these women are human beings.  They have the same general needs-- love, lust, attractions, loneliness, childhood dramas...  Different things make them happy, in different ways.

Tiger Woods does not seem to know this.  He seems to think what every guy has at least once said: "she only wants a [adj] guy..."

Taken to the inevitable conclusion, Tiger Woods needed one billion dollars in order to think a woman would want him.  In order to get those women, he [thought] had to be TigerWoods, not Tiger Woods.

This means that no matter who/how many women he sleeps with, he will never be satisfied, because he has tricked them.  He wants them to like him, but he knows they only like TigerWoods.  That would be okay if he was just after the sex, he'd have a one night stand and disappear; but instead, he tries to forge loose relationships that are based on him pretending to be his image.  This always fails.

The question isn't how he could have cheated with ten women; the question is how he managed to keep it under 100.


"But if I say I'm a doctor, she'll want to sleep with me."  No, that only works on patients. 


No, I'm not kidding.  I'm not saying she has to be your patient...


"As a woman, what I want to know is why he would ruin what looks like a perfect marriage to a beautiful woman, he has two kids with her... why would he risk all that on cocktail waitresses, no matter how attractive they are?"

Oddly, no man ever asks this question.  It's not because he knows the answer: he doesn't.  "Well, if I was TigerWoods, I'd probably do the same thing."  That's interesting, you didn't say you'd do the same, you said you'd do the same if you were TigerWoods.   "No, I mean in the same situation as him."  You mean the one in which you're a billionaire golfer married to a swimsuit model?  Or do you mean if you were just a regular guy?

"But it wouldn't happen to me if I was a regular guy, it would only happen to someone like TigerWoods."

That is exactly what Tiger Woods thinks, too.

(part 2 here)


I think you pretty much nai... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 12:52 AM | Posted by kayleighkins: | Reply

I think you pretty much nailed this one. I also appreciate that you didn't just shrug the women off as one dimensional. These women DID seem to have "loose relationships". I think they really thought they were special, that he loved them in the "TigerWoods" way.

Pathetic for everyone involved :/

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This doesn't make such sens... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 4:02 AM | Posted by TheophileEscargot: | Reply

This doesn't make such sense to me.

Tiger Woods has been playing golf since he was 2, appearing on TV playing golf since he was 3, winning golf competitions since he was 8.

I don't buy that there's such a huge separation between Tiger Woods and TigerWoods. He's not someone who became famous after his personality was developed.

It seems to me more likely he's embedded his success at golf deep into his self-image. He thinks of himself as a golfer. If women love him because of it, he probably thinks it's because he's worked so hard all his life to get good at it. Loving him because he's good at golf is the same thing as loving him for who he is. So I think he's probably pretty satisfied by his success with these women.

But he probably doesn't want to hurt his wife's feelings unnecessarily. So, best to have the affairs in secret.

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TheophileEscargot, I think ... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 5:02 AM | Posted by faitswulff: | Reply

TheophileEscargot, I think you are making a huge assumption. You are basically saying that he equates himself as "golfer" and nothing more. A fairly one-dimensional representation of any human.

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"Tiger Woods has been playi... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 6:48 AM | Posted by Felix32: | Reply

"Tiger Woods has been playing golf since he was 2, appearing on TV playing golf since he was 3, winning golf competitions since he was 8."

I think this is the point. He has learned that he is not worth it, if he isn't TigerWoods, the super successful golfer.

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I think you need to step ba... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 8:02 AM | Posted by Andy: | Reply

I think you need to step back a bit and think why it's fun and exciting to sleep around. There's probably a pseudoscientific evolutionary argument. Maybe the confidence boost of being TigerWoods makes it much easier, but I think it's a tad silly to assume that he doesn't really believe women want him for "who he is". TigerWoods = Tiger Woods + a bit of magic to make it more probable that he'll attract the super hotties.

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Definitely a well written, ... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 10:20 AM | Posted by Jbow: | Reply

Definitely a well written, thought provoking post.

I would add this wrinkle though: it really comes down to access. If I had the money/connections to be courted by the likes of Rachel Uchitel, no doubt I would have a shot at sleeping with her.

Hell, I live near NYC, if I had the money/connections to eat at STK and go to Tenjune afterwards whenever I wanted, I think I could live at home with my parents and still sleep with a model. But gaining that access would cost me damn near $1000 each time I did it and I don't have that money.

Also, I've seen celebrities out; people stare and whisper and create a certain aura around the person. Not saying it's enough to bed any woman the celebrity wants, but it definitely makes people (both men and women) want to go over and say hi. Again, access that a typical guy doesn't get.

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really awesome piece. i say... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 4:26 PM | Posted by the0ther: | Reply

really awesome piece. i say "she only wants a [adj] guy..." ALL THE TIME.

let me fill in the adjectives: tall, dark (hell...Black), rich, influential, aggressive, well-endowed, never-sad, A&F model-looking, half-gay, quarterback, sleeps-around-a-lot, makes my girlfriends jealous kind of guy.

i must have missed a couple but that's a pretty good list right there.

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So in becoming myself how c... (Below threshold)

December 14, 2009 10:36 AM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

So in becoming myself how can I also be my self?

In other words, why can't TigerWoods just be Tiger Woods?
Is it insecurity? I know guys who don't have a billion dollars, aren't that attractive and still attract some gorgeous women.

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the0ther: Thank you for ste... (Below threshold)

December 14, 2009 11:19 AM | Posted by Sarde : | Reply

the0ther: Thank you for stereotypically fitting my desires as a woman into a nicely verbally circumscribed square when I do prefer decagons.

To the author: Thank you for your apt analysis of the chauvinistic attitudes of the average male towards fame and cheating, but I tend to concur with TheophileEscargot on the development of Woods's identity as a golfer as equal to the development of any "TigerWoods" persona (and the resulting conclusions about the psychology of his unfaithful behavior).

faitswulff: It would indeed be a one-dimensional misrepresentation if that were what was implied. (What's so great about being human, anyways, though?:P)

However, I think the point was that Woods's -primary- self-identification is, was, and probably will be, as "golf master." Of course he can have no other self-id, that'd be blasphemous to his fans.

Other comments to the author:
1.) *point title* Tyler Durdin does the doppleganger thing better.

2.) I think it's like a slap in the face to tell readers to come back when we've thought things through. Right, because our processing speed is so inferior to yours, neh?

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"But if I say I'm a doct... (Below threshold)

December 15, 2009 3:23 PM | Posted by purpletempest: | Reply

"But if I say I'm a doctor, she'll want to sleep with me." No, that only works on patients.

This is only tangentally related, but it made me laugh. Which patients are you talking about? Being a patient has made me want nothing to do with doctors beyond what's absolutely necessary, ever. Especially in the realm of sex and dating.

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purpletempest: I'm with you... (Below threshold)

December 15, 2009 4:02 PM | Posted by Sarde : | Reply

purpletempest: I'm with you on that one:P I guess some people have doctor-patient fantasies?

I detest doctors.

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My husband said "He has acc... (Below threshold)

December 30, 2009 10:57 PM | Posted by clinician 1: | Reply

My husband said "He has access".

I told my husband "that's the stupidist thing a women ever hears-especially a "hot" woman". We have had "access" to sleep with whatever guy we want from age 13 and TONS of men we wish would drop dead. Us women do not screw around (mostly). We have affairs when you treat us bad or we get bored and that takes us LONGER.

Screw around with whatever women you want-hundrens-thousands--when you have children-Use your head not your personality disorder to think of how this effects the wife AND then effects the children. Thye are the real vicitms here!!!! They are young babies--why would you turn thier lives upside down? BECOUSE YOUR A NPD.

Gee- a sports figure that objectifys women and hurts his children-NO! What a suprise! He picked crappy male friends-NOOOOO....

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Interesting post..... Thank... (Below threshold)

January 1, 2010 6:30 PM | Posted by dragonfly: | Reply

Interesting post..... Thanks for being one of the few people not jumping on the bandwagon and saying predictable things. I must read part 2.

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It makes PERFECT sense to m... (Below threshold)

January 14, 2010 1:43 PM | Posted by La BellaDonna: | Reply

It makes PERFECT sense to me.

Tiger Woods has been golfing since he was TWO. His PARENTS taught him that in order for him to be loved, he had to be TigerWoods.

He's living with that assumption and under that expectation. For his parents to love him, for anyone ELSE to love him, he had to be TigerWoods. I'm seeing people in their 40s and 50s still trying to unscrewup relationships based on their parents' expectations of them, and what they learned about love from their parents. Heck, I'm one of them.

Makes sad, but perfect, sense.

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Oh Puh-lese. Would Tiger W... (Below threshold)

February 20, 2010 10:05 PM | Posted by Lame Analysis: | Reply

Oh Puh-lese. Would Tiger Woods have married Elin if she wasn't a beautiful model? Would he have slept with any of those women if he did not find them sexually/physically attractive?

What if Elin and these women were burn victims, on their faces. Would he "love" them or sleep with them, for "them"?

Would he see beyond their physical deformities?


Thought so.

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Who cares about TigerWoods ... (Below threshold)

April 28, 2010 2:47 PM | Posted by jesse : | Reply

Who cares about TigerWoods and who he sleeps with? I think that's much more interesting as to why people are fascinated/outraged/encouraged by celebrity and what/who they do. Why do people care more about this than say Climate Change? Are they narcissists? I think so.

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He is black, he is not hand... (Below threshold)

November 11, 2010 10:59 AM | Posted, in reply to the0ther's comment, by Melvin: | Reply

He is black, he is not handsome. Do not be blind. People just love him because all golfers are millionaires. Be smart and do not be moron. Well, it hurts me that people likes somebody who has money. When somebody comes as a secret and private millionaire because friends do no exist. Friends are just there for your money. Do not think negative. Because I am not lying. I am here to remember all the bad things they do so in the future I will pay them back twice.Vengeance is so sweet.

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He never diminishes the dep... (Below threshold)

January 17, 2015 12:59 PM | Posted, in reply to kayleighkins's comment, by Atarii: | Reply

He never diminishes the depth of individuals.

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