December 13, 2009

I Am Tiger Woods, Part 1

tiger woods.JPG
my next endorsement will be from adidas

Question: why would any of these women sleep with Tiger Woods?

"Well, because he's TigerWoods.  Maybe they do it for the story, for their ego; maybe they do it because they think he might give them gifts or money; maybe they think he might marry them..."

So it couldn't possibly be because they like him?  That had they not known about his fame and money, they still would have gone to bed with him?

"Of course not.  Not those girls."

I see.  Do you think he doesn't know that?


Assume Tiger was not married.  Describe the woman you think would love him "for him."  For whom Tiger's fame and wealth plays no part at all, who would have loved him even if he was a shoe salesman.  Which modeling agency would she have been with?  Oh.

Would Elin Nordegren have married him if he was just Tiger Woods, not TigerWoods?

What do you think Tiger Woods thinks?


Would these women have slept with him if he was half as rich and half as famous?  How about 1/4?  At what point would he have been insufficiently rich or famous for them? 

Yet it is entirely safe to assume these women have slept with other men who were neither famous nor rich.  So why did Tiger have to be TigerWoods to get them?

Do you think Tiger Woods doesn't wonder this?

Stop reading here.  You should go get a glass of water.  Take a nap, watch a music video, there's a catchy one I quite like by Akon/David Guetta.  Come back when you've thought this through.


It may, or may not, be true that these women are golddiggers, "whores", or only interested in him because he is famous; but it is absolutely a fact that these women could be seduced by a man who isn't famous or rich.

The reason this is absolutely, incontrovertibly a fact is that these women are human beings.  They have the same general needs-- love, lust, attractions, loneliness, childhood dramas...  Different things make them happy, in different ways.

Tiger Woods does not seem to know this.  He seems to think what every guy has at least once said: "she only wants a [adj] guy..."

Taken to the inevitable conclusion, Tiger Woods needed one billion dollars in order to think a woman would want him.  In order to get those women, he [thought] had to be TigerWoods, not Tiger Woods.

This means that no matter who/how many women he sleeps with, he will never be satisfied, because he has tricked them.  He wants them to like him, but he knows they only like TigerWoods.  That would be okay if he was just after the sex, he'd have a one night stand and disappear; but instead, he tries to forge loose relationships that are based on him pretending to be his image.  This always fails.

The question isn't how he could have cheated with ten women; the question is how he managed to keep it under 100.


"But if I say I'm a doctor, she'll want to sleep with me."  No, that only works on patients. 


No, I'm not kidding.  I'm not saying she has to be your patient...


"As a woman, what I want to know is why he would ruin what looks like a perfect marriage to a beautiful woman, he has two kids with her... why would he risk all that on cocktail waitresses, no matter how attractive they are?"

Oddly, no man ever asks this question.  It's not because he knows the answer: he doesn't.  "Well, if I was TigerWoods, I'd probably do the same thing."  That's interesting, you didn't say you'd do the same, you said you'd do the same if you were TigerWoods.   "No, I mean in the same situation as him."  You mean the one in which you're a billionaire golfer married to a swimsuit model?  Or do you mean if you were just a regular guy?

"But it wouldn't happen to me if I was a regular guy, it would only happen to someone like TigerWoods."

That is exactly what Tiger Woods thinks, too.

(part 2 here)