December 13, 2009

Tiger Woods, Part 2


nordegren.JPG
I had hot sex with Tiger in 2002


(part 1 here)

VII.

"I hate your cryptic, self-indulgent wanderings."

No one can be told what the Matrix is. 

VIII.

A woman asks why a man risks his marriage because she's seeing it from the other side: what else could this nut want?  

They think what he wants is something.  What he wants is to be seen as something.

This is what every man and a certain kind of woman asked in 1998: "Bill Clinton was President, he could have had any woman he wanted, he chose Monica Lewinsky?"  No, he had to become President to be able to get Monica.  That's the size of the power differential that was necessary for him to feel relaxed and confident that a woman liked him.  If he had tried to get someone like, say, Cameron Diaz (who was also famous at that time for doing nearly nothing) he would be thinking, "oh my God, this woman can totally see I'm a dweeb."

At some point in the relationship of TigerWoods and ElinNordegren he felt himself become Tiger Woods to her.  It is irrelevant whether or not this was true for her; in his eyes, she was seeing Tiger Woods. Why would a swimsuit model with a likely prior history of adequate penises get horny over a guy with a flabby belly?

"Doesn't he love her anymore?"  Of course he does.  She doesn't love him, not like she used to.   She doesn't lust for him.

"How do you know that?"  I don't need to know it, Tiger thinks it.  If it took one billion dollars to get her interested in him, how much is it going to take to keep her interested in him, at the same intensity?  It's impossible.

"That's crazy. Who thinks like that?"

Tiger Woods.  Et al.

That's the problem with living in an era of narcissism.  Even if you aren't one, you're not sure about anyone else.


IX.

"The best thing he can do is go on Oprah, admit his mistakes, maybe go into therapy to try to figure out what makes him cheat..."

He was with several women multiple times over many years.  He didn't make a mistake, he didn't stray, that's who he is.  You don't get to say who you are, your behavior speaks for you.

Trying to understand why he "cheated" or "strayed" or "made mistakes" is bad faith.  Those behaviors aren't deviations from his normal, those are his normal.  You can't isolate a behavior and unhook it from the overall self.  "I'm not a bad person, but I do cheat sometimes."  No, you are a bad person.  The behavior is your business, but you don't get to commandeer the language.

X.

"So how can he stop doing it?"  Are you talking about him, or you? 

You can't try to understand why you cheat in order to stop, you have to stop first.  And you can't permanently alter a behavior without changing who you are.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father and person.

I know it's a press release, but the words are technically accurate.  Nowhere does it say "I have to stop cheating," because if he simply stops cheating then he will forever be fighting against himself.  He has to also change into the kind of person who does not cheat.

There's no turning back, there's no half way.  Once you stop you will be a different person.  Many of your other interests will change, some of your friends will change, you will think differently.

If this proves too difficult, try a different approach.  Instead of being the kind of person who doesn't do something, become the kind of person who does do something else that interferes with it.  Become the kind of man who is proud of his fidelity.  Or, at the very least, the kind of man who understands that he doesn't have to be TigerWoods to get a girl, and if he does, he doesn't want her.  And she doesn't want him, either.

---

See also:

How To Lose Weight

Action Movie Fairy Tale

----

http://twitter.com/thelastpsych






Comments

I like it; it's hopeful. I... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 2:13 AM | Posted by theskepticalshrink: | Reply

I like it; it's hopeful. It almost makes up for all the others.

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I love you. Please continu... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 5:04 AM | Posted by faitswulff: | Reply

I love you. Please continue to enlighten my life.

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You got one thing right. Pe... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 8:14 AM | Posted by nonnon: | Reply

You got one thing right. People cheat (lie, steal, kill etc.) because they want to do it. Their character, values and morals encourage and approve of that decision.

Some require "special circumstances" to feel better about what they are doing ("she/he wasn't treatin' me right, what do you expect?") but at the end of the day they think "it" is ok and that's why they do it.

There's nothing inherently good or bad about it, "it" is how it is. The problems start when their decisions impact people with different value and moral systems.

It is perfectly possible to change but they have to want to do it for themselves, not for the public, not for their spouse, not even for their kids.

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be the change you want to s... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 10:11 AM | Posted by bryon: | Reply

be the change you want to see in you, the world can come later

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Sadly what about the guys w... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 10:14 AM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

Sadly what about the guys who get cheated on in the first place? Doesn't that eventually turn us into cheaters ourselves? Personally never cheated, never had the opportunity but with all the lies, and cheating thats been done to me by the three women that were in my life. Why the hell shouldn't I start cheating?

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Bravo!!! fantastic post... ... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 10:29 AM | Posted by Jbow: | Reply

Bravo!!! fantastic post... EVERYONE DONATE!!!

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Here's something I read in ... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 1:35 PM | Posted by nonnon: | Reply

Here's something I read in another comment section:

"Infidelity is a character trait that extends to relationships far beyond the institution of marriage. I've found that men, whom I've done business with, and who cheat on their wives, usually have no problems with trying to cheat me."

Interesting.

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get a motorcycle instead. ... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 1:45 PM | Posted, in reply to Anonymous's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

get a motorcycle instead. It's more fun and less tiring than cheating in the long run...

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Alone's response: becau... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 2:23 PM | Posted, in reply to Anonymous's comment, by Alone: | Reply

Alone's response: because you would be conflating one group of girls with others.. you would not be seeing each individual person. You would be seeing women only as they impact you...

this is not a judgment of you, I'm trying to show how people get trapped by their own thinking. It seems pre-K to say this, but the reason you don't cheat back is because you have to be better. Not because it will result in good karma, or your perspective will change and people will sense it, or you'll be happier in the long run. ONLY because you have to be better.

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"No, he had to become Presi... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 2:39 PM | Posted by Dan: | Reply

"No, he had to become President to be able to get Monica. That's the size of the power differential that was necessary for him to feel relaxed and confident that a woman liked him"

What are you talking about? Clinton was, according to many sources, quite promiscuous long before he had any political power. Otherwise, nice post.

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He's not talking about JUST... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 3:25 PM | Posted, in reply to Dan's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

He's not talking about JUST being promiscous, it's that he chose someone below what his position/image would "entitle" him to, in order to drop the act.

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"Clinton was, according to ... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 6:52 PM | Posted, in reply to Dan's comment, by Lisa: | Reply

"Clinton was, according to many sources, quite promiscuous long before he had any political power."

He was already BillClinton.

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the saddest part for me wer... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 7:35 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

the saddest part for me were your two introductory pictures, especially the "i had great sex with Tiger Woods in 2002" implying a fling that happened in the past. of course, that woman is his wife-- no different than any of the pics of the floozies.

and adidias is priceless

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I always enjoy your posts a... (Below threshold)

December 13, 2009 10:56 PM | Posted by Beloved Parrot: | Reply

I always enjoy your posts and nearly always agree with them, but not this time. Tiger cheated because he could and because he wanted to. He could have and probably would have cheated if he were poor and without talent -- only the type of woman would change.

Not for a second do I buy this Tiger Woods equals or doesn't equal TigerWoods. Being a superb golfer and in the spotlight are as much a part of his "real" character now as they ever could be. He's had that type of life since he was about two years old. This isn't a guy who just won the lottery and feels he has to buy "better-quality" friends now.

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Great post. I was hoping yo... (Below threshold)

December 14, 2009 5:47 AM | Posted by Dolores: | Reply

Great post. I was hoping you'd do a piece on Tiger.

What I wonder, and something you didn't elaborate on in your post, is why the US has become completely obsessed with TigerWoods and his mistresses..? (I'm European) Yes, the guy cheated on his wife, over and over again, but he is no politician. He plays golf and is pretty good at it too.

People cheat all the time. Famous people might cheat even more as you nicely explained. But I don't see how the cheating gets in the way of TigerWoods playing golf. So why is everyone so obsessed with it? The guy's a cheater, not a murderer or a molester. I'm starting to feel sorry for him.

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Would you care to take a cr... (Below threshold)

December 14, 2009 8:31 AM | Posted by Nancy Lebovitz: | Reply

Would you care to take a crack at why his current solution to his situation is to not play golf? I have a notion that the press and the public have squeezed the fun out of it, but that's just a guess.

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Some people cheat because t... (Below threshold)

December 14, 2009 8:35 AM | Posted by Julian Morrison: | Reply

Some people cheat because they actually fall in love, or are horny for some variety. I'm hoping polyamory makes enough cultural inroads that people plan in advance for that and can smoothly merge the new lover into their family. If that were so, then cheating behind your SO's back would lose its excuse. "Can't even keep his woman without lying to her."

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Dolores, it's a big deal in... (Below threshold)

December 14, 2009 11:58 AM | Posted, in reply to Dolores's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

Dolores, it's a big deal in the US because his "image" is that he's a squeaky clean, perfect family man that would never do something like cheat on his wife. It would be a bit like Bill Cosby coming out as a crackhead - the behavior completely contradicts the image (that's used to market various products). People have been sold a certain image of TigerWoods, people who bought in feel ripped off. They've been sold a fake and now they're enjoying his demise (instead of targeting the actual creators of the fake). TigerWoods is just product...mainly created by someone other than Tiger Woods). Ultimately, in many ways, it's about money. TigerWoods was an advertisers dream and everyone cashed in selling the illusion.

One has to wonder if it was Tiger Woods or TigerWoods who married the ultimate blond (model, Scandinavian). Is she an object and symbol of success to him or a person? Sure Tiger may want to be seen as a person but does he actually see any of the women he's involved with as people? Or are they just shiny objects? Mirrors of his own emptiness? Does he see his children as people? Or does he use them as objects too? (Just as his own father used "Tiger" to fulfill his dreams perhaps?) This story has echoes of OJ Simpson in some ways.

Oh, and didn't Tiger offer his wife 5 million dollars to stay with him? Clearly they approach their marriage is as a business deal where they're valuing themselves as objects to be bought and sold first. It's really rather sad.

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I hope Europeans et. al don... (Below threshold)

December 15, 2009 3:31 PM | Posted, in reply to Dolores's comment, by purpletempest: | Reply

I hope Europeans et. al don't judge all us Americans by the idiots in our media. I promise likewise not to judge you by the idiots in yours. :)

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Thought you might find this... (Below threshold)

December 16, 2009 7:58 AM | Posted by nohope: | Reply

Thought you might find this interesting:

http://www.newyorker.com/talk/financial/2009/12/21/091221ta_talk_surowiecki

This article is about Tiger the Brand. Tiger Woods has flaws that TigerWoods isn't allowed to have...ultimately because businessmen would like to imagine themselves as TigerWoods, not just when they play golf, but in professional life. Why else would a corporate consulting firm use him as its spokesman? It's not about the fact that he's good at golf, it's about the perception that he is The Sort of Person Who Would Be Good at Golf, because he is so cool and composed. His skill is less important for marketing than his personality, and it's his personality which has been somewhat tarnished by this scandal.

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No hope, the point is that ... (Below threshold)

December 16, 2009 11:44 AM | Posted, in reply to nohope's comment, by brainchild: | Reply

No hope, the point is that TigerWood's brand image has been tarnish by the revelation of Tiger Woods' - the person - personality. The real Tiger Woods - the person - has been revealed, isn't a person who is really a family man. The real Tiger Woods does things that don't align with the brand being marketed to sell stuff. It contradicts the illusion being sold, so what has happened is that the real Tiger Woods - his personality as revealed through his actions - has damaged the brand TigerWoods.

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Anonymous, thanks for expla... (Below threshold)

December 17, 2009 8:32 AM | Posted by Dolores: | Reply

Anonymous, thanks for explaining. I agree, it is rather sad.

Purpletempest, don't worry, as you said, we have enough idiots of our own :-)

I really wonder still whether Tiger could have helped himself becoming TigerWoods. Isn't he a victim himself? His parents raised him to become TigerWoods. Maybe the cheating is a way to rebel against what he was created to be and to what others want him to be. I'm not sure he wants to be TigerWoods.

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Dolores - I'd agree that Ti... (Below threshold)

December 17, 2009 11:59 AM | Posted, in reply to Dolores's comment, by Anonymous: | Reply

Dolores - I'd agree that Tiger Woods is a victim of TigerWoods (the brand) and his own upbringing (though his father was probably well intentioned, just more interested in his own ambitions for TigerWoods than in who Tiger the child was innately). This is true of many children raised to be stars and to equate fame with love and being rich with being happy (or successful or whole as a person). I think the crux of the issue is that nobody can actually be TigerWoods the brand because it's a one-dimensional cartoon/idealization that isn't realistic...it's an advertisement. I'd suspect that Tiger Woods simply knows he's not happy or satisfied and he feels entitled to be both because he's TigerWoods (it seems much more like the foolish behavior of entitlement than rebellion, he simply didn't believe he'd get caught because he'd been getting away with it for a while already and, well, it's all about him and his needs). It's rather pathetic that his response to getting caught by his wife was to try to pay her off to stay married - that's about his brand and not about human relationships, empathy or compassion for anyone else's suffering. That said, I highly doubt he's all that conscious about his own interior life or motivations and is mainly concerned with image/brand control right now. After all, who is he if he's not TigerWoods? One suspects that his wife made the critical error of thinking she was marrying Tiger Woods the person when she was really just part of the TigerWoods brand. It would be a deliciously ironic act if she had actually gone after him with TigerWoods branded golf clubs when she discovered he was cheating.

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We don't have access to how... (Below threshold)

December 22, 2009 8:46 AM | Posted by medsvstherapy: | Reply

We don't have access to how many reflections he saw in the inkblots, but TigerWoods does have the type of childhood that can favor narcissism - mainly, it is sad to think about him growing up realizing his only worth is if he performs well in golf. For him, compared to this year's other childhood phenom tragedy, I think it is better for Tiger to suffer with philandery than to suffer with the types of drug desires, and child-friend desires, that Michael Jackson had.

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You can't isolate a behavi... (Below threshold)

December 31, 2009 12:08 PM | Posted by Anonymous: | Reply

You can't isolate a behavior and unhook it from the overall self. "I'm not a bad person, but I do cheat sometimes." No, you are a bad person. The behavior is your business, but you don't get to commandeer the language.

Let's change some words and see if this still makes sense...

You can't isolate a behavior and unhook it from the overall self. "I'm not a good person, but I do give to charity sometimes." No, you are a good person. The behavior is your business, but you don't get to commandeer the language.

-----
What if Tiger did both?

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Great post! I?m just starti... (Below threshold)

January 3, 2010 5:33 PM | Posted by Photographer blog: | Reply

Great post! I?m just starting out in community management/marketing media and trying to learn how to do it well - resources like this article are incredibly helpful. As our company is based in the US, it?s all a bit new to us. The example above is something that I worry about as well, how to show your own genuine enthusiasm and share the fact that your product is useful in that case

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"Clearly they approach thei... (Below threshold)

January 14, 2010 1:09 PM | Posted by La BellaDonna: | Reply

"Clearly they approach their marriage is as a business deal where they're valuing themselves as objects to be bought and sold first."

Anonymous, is it so surprising? Tiger's image is used to sell things; so is his wife's image. Is it surprising that they are used to the commodification of themselves and each other? I'm not saying it's right - I'm just suggesting that it isn't surprising, that's all.

Anonymous, not all women cheat. However, you've been with three women who did cheat on you. It suggests that there was something else you were looking for in your relationships with them that also included the cheating behaviour. I'm not condemning you, just pointing out that you appear to be the common de